Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2022

[bluidkiti]

April 18

Quote of the Week

"Keep the broom on your side of the street."

It is so easy for me to point my finger and judge. “He’s not open-minded enough,” “She should stop telling people what to do,” “He’s driving like a jerk,” “She’s not raising her kids right,” and so on. By constantly criticizing and condemning others, it’s also easy to avoid looking at my own behavior. It’s easy for me to become self-righteous, and from that high perch I ultimately find myself disliked and alone. When my big ego isn’t getting the attention it thinks it deserves, it’s easy to get on my pity pot and think Poor me, poor me, heck, I should pour myself a drink!

When I entered the program, I was still pointing fingers: “I drank because she didn’t understand me.” “I used because my boss was unreasonable and demanding.” “I’m an alcoholic because my dad was one.” My sponsor showed me that when I was pointing my finger at others, three fingers were pointing back at me. He encouraged me to work my Fourth Step to see what my part might be in my resentment and judgments, and that’s when my recovery began.

By turning my magic magnifying mind away from others and onto myself, I began to see that I wasn’t as perfect as I thought I was. I soon found that I wasn’t so open-minded either. I loved telling people what to do, and I was often the one behind you honking my horn. My sponsor helped me see that any fault I could spot in others meant that I had the same one in myself. He taught me that by working hard to eliminate my own character defects, I would be able to free myself and others from unkind and unnecessary judgment. By doing so, I finally learned the wisdom and benefit of keeping the broom on my side of the street.

[bluidkiti]

April 25

Quote of the Week

"The longer I’m sober, the drunker I was."

Denial is an amazing thing. When I first entered the program, I had no intention of staying sober longer than a few months. I just needed to pull things together a little, get myself under control again. I wasn’t like the real alcoholics I heard share in meetings, and I was sure I could control my drinking again once I cooled it a bit. After all, it hadn’t been that bad, I told myself.

As the fog cleared, though, and I began journaling and working the Steps, more began to be revealed to me. I especially remember sitting in meetings listening to people share about being arrested for drunk driving and thinking That never happened to me. I was sober over a year before I remembered that when I was seventeen I crashed my car into two parked cars and was arrested for reckless drunk driving. That was a humbling memory.

As I peel back the layers of my past and uncover the truth about my drinking and using history, I’m amazed at how lucky I’ve been. I know that hospitals, institutions, and prisons are packed with alcoholics and addicts who never found sobriety, and I now know I could easily have been one of them. Today, my denial is gone, and the longer I stay sober, the drunker I realize I was.

[bluidkiti]

May 2

Quote of the Week

"Let it begin with me."

At my morning meditation meeting, a newcomer has a commitment to clean the room before the meeting starts. That’s great. The problem is that the bleach solution he is using is strong and toxic. I approached an elder of the meeting to complain and was surprised when he intimated that it wasn’t all about me. He suggested I speak to the newcomer and work it out. I didn’t, and instead I sat and quietly fumed over the whole situation.

Before recovery I used to feel this kind of frustration a lot. The problems in my life were always someone else’s fault, and for much of the time I played the victim and swallowed resentments. Over time, these resentments and perceived wrongs, combined with my drinking, almost killed me. Thank God for the fourth column of the Fourth Step. It was there that I learned to identify my part—and my responsibility. Turns out, if I take care of my side of the street, things tend to work out.

By the end of the meeting, I had chosen how to handle the situation. Unfortunately, the newcomer left early, but I have decided to speak with him next week. First, I’m going to acknowledge his service and see how his sobriety is going. Then I’m going to bring him a less toxic cleaning solution so that he and I and the rest of the group aren’t breathing in harmful chemicals. I remember the lessons of my Fourth Step and know that if something is to be changed, then let it begin with me to help make it that way.

[bluidkiti]

May 9

Quote of the Week

"No God, no peace. Know God, know peace."

Lately, I’ve been having a rough time with my business. So many companies have tightened their budgets because of the economy, and that means my sales (and income) are way down as a result. This has led to many restless nights, getting up and worrying at 4 AM, and having a knot in my stomach most of the day.

As I went to bed last Sunday night, I could feel the familiar dread descending. As the knot began tightening, I suddenly remembered to reach out to God. Why had I been trying to go it alone? I immediately asked God to be with me right then and told Him I didn’t want to wake up again alone. I asked Him to be with me in the morning, to comfort me and to allow me to know His peace.

As soon as I said that prayer, I felt my body relax and the knot dissolve. I felt a calm and a peace I hadn’t known for many nights. While I still woke up early, the difference was that I wasn’t worried as on previous mornings; rather, I knew that the presence of God was with me. As I lay there I just kept thinking, Remember, it works if you work it. I also remembered, No God, no peace. Know God, know peace.

[bluidkiti]

May 16

Quote of the Week

"No’ is a complete sentence."

Having been raised in an alcoholic home, I didn’t learn much about boundaries. My mother, an untreated Al-Anon, scurried about the house trying to make everything okay. I learned that the best way to avoid trouble and get my limited needs met was by stuffing my feelings, letting everyone else have their way, and never saying no.

As I grew older, these very adaptive living and defense strategies became character defects that caused me to be insincere in relationships, continually unhappy, and ultimately unable to form meaningful bonds with other people. Without healthy boundaries, I couldn’t stand up for myself and make my true needs known. Instead of looking at my role in this, I just blamed other people and formed a lot of resentments.

When I entered the program, boundaries, self-care, and responsibility for my own happiness were new ideas to me. One of the most helpful concepts was learning that my needs and well-being were not only my responsibility and right, but that I didn’t have to justify or defend them to anybody. I learned that if something wasn’t right for me, I could simply say no; I didn’t need to argue, convince, or explain why. More importantly, I didn’t need to feel guilty for stating my truth. Today, “No” is a complete sentence.

[bluidkiti]

May 23

Quote of the Week

"Things might not get better for me, but I can get better despite things."

When I was a newcomer, I was convinced that because I was now sober, things in my life would get better. I was sure my career would finally get on track, my relationships would improve, and so on. And I thought that as those things came together, I would finally be happy. In fact, I secretly felt like I deserved for things to improve now that I was being “good.” Boy, was I wrong.

What actually happened was that my life started to spiral out of control. It was as if things had a natural momentum to them, and even though I wasn’t acting the same way, the wreckage of my past was beginning to catch up with me. As I grew more and more miserable, my sponsor taught me something that set me free.

I remember he sat me down and asked me if I could make it through the day without a drink or a drug. I told him I could, and that’s when he taught me that while I may not be able to control all the things in my life, I could control the most important thing of all—my sobriety and my recovery. He told me that if I took care of that, then all the other “things” would work out. While at first I didn’t believe him, it turns out he was right. Today, I know that while things may not always get better for me, I can get better if I focus on the one thing that matters: my sobriety.

[bluidkiti]

May 30

Quote of the Week

"Alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer."

I never thought of myself as an alcoholic. My idea of an alcoholic was a bum living in the gutter downtown, or someone wearing a dirty raincoat drinking from a paper bag. I owned a home, had a retirement account, and dined at fancy restaurants. I just drank too much sometimes—it could happen to anyone. After years of what I’ve now discovered to be the slow progression of the disease of alcoholism, my life hit a bottom, and I started attending A.A. meetings.

When I got to the rooms, the people I met didn’t fit the profile of what I thought of as alcoholics. There were no dirty trench coats, and the guys who had five-day-old beards wore them carefully cut and shaped. I met people in all lines of work: attorneys, dentists, actors, housewives, and more. They were full of life—laughing, sharing, and giving freely of themselves. As I listened to their experiences and feelings, I identified with them, and I felt like I belonged.

I remember being in a meeting and hearing a newcomer share that he didn’t think he was an alcoholic. Someone else shared that nonalcoholics rarely found themselves in an A.A. meeting on a Saturday night denying they were alcoholics. The suggestion was to keep coming back. As I kept coming to meetings and working the Steps, I discovered that I, too, had the disease. I found that it is an equal opportunity destroyer, and that no one was immune. I also found that we all have a common solution that works every time we work it. I thank God daily I was willing to try it.

[bluidkiti]

June 6

Quote of the Week

"We may be powerless, but we’re not helpless."

Accepting that I was powerless over people, places, and things was a concept I rebelled against on almost every level in the beginning. Before recovery, I was driven by the belief that not only could I control others (especially those I loved and cared for), but it was my duty to do so. Despite the fact that it rarely worked, I stubbornly persisted, frustrating myself and irritating and alienating those I was trying to control—err, I mean, help.

When I entered another Twelve Step program for this, I was told that the reason I had been unable to influence, help, or control another was because I was in fact powerless over other people, places, and things. If that’s true, then there is absolutely no hope for this situation! I thought. Accepting this was contrary to everything I believed, and it meant complete defeat. What was I to do?

By working this wonderful and much needed program, I soon learned that surrendering to this powerlessness was actually the gateway to a new freedom. Once the untenable burden of controlling or fixing others was lifted, I was suddenly free to invest my energy where I did have some power and influence—over my own life. And that is when I realized I was no longer helpless to fix my situation and my life. Today, I understand and truly appreciate that I may be powerless, but I’m not helpless to make things better.

[bluidkiti]

June 13

Quote of the Week

"Half measures do avail us something—it’s just the half we don’t want."

Before sobriety, I was a master of “half measuring” in my life, and what I got was the half I didn’t want. At work I arrived late, did just enough to get by, and was the first to leave. The result was that I was fired a lot. In relationships, I paid attention just enough to get what I wanted and wasn’t very interested in doing what she wanted to do. The result was that my relationships didn’t last very long. I half measured my way through school, my family, and my health, and the results I got were always the half I didn’t want.

In the beginning of the program, I was half measuring it as well. I showed up late, sat in the back, didn’t help clean up, and wouldn’t go to fellowship. After complaining to my sponsor that the program wasn’t working, he quickly pointed to my half-measure attempts and the half-measure results I was getting. If I wanted to be happy, joyous, and free, he told me, then I would have to give the program everything I had.

Once I became willing to do whatever it took to get and maintain sobriety, things did begin to change. When I arrived early and greeted people, I became known and felt a part of. When I started sharing what was really going on, I felt better. And when I really worked the Steps, I began to recover, and the desire to drink and use lessened and finally left me. Today, I no longer half measure my way through life, and because of that, I get to enjoy the full benefits of everything I do.

[bluidkiti]

June 20

Quote of the Week

"When I feed the problem, it grows; when I feed the solution, it grows."

In the program, I learned I have a magic-magnifying mind. I discovered that I tend to obsessively think about certain things to the exclusion of all else. Before recovery, I focused my magic-magnifying mind on my problems, and as I did, they tended to get bigger and even multiply. Round and round I went, chasing each problem and imagining the worst. The only solution I could think of was to drink more, and that just led me to even darker places.

In recovery, I discovered some solutions. The first was to put the plug in the jug. Next, I learned to share my problems with others and learn from the solutions they found to similar situations. I also learned to develop a relationship with a Power greater than myself. This took away the burden of solving problems on my own and taught me to be open to God’s will and direction. During this process, I also learned that what I feed grows, and if I want my life to get better, I have to change what I am feeding.

While this sounds easy, it still takes work even today. The good part is that I am much quicker to recognize when I’m feeding a problem, and when I do, I quickly ask myself what I’m afraid of. Once I know that, I can turn my magic-magnifying mind on to the solution. I’ve gotten much better at turning things over, thinking about more positive outcomes, and feeding solutions. And I’m happy to report that my life is much better for it. I’m now open to God’s infinite array of better outcomes, and I choose to focus on those today instead of my problems.

[bluidkiti]

June 27

Quote of the Week

"Bring the body, the mind will follow."

This is a quote I heard early on in my recovery, and it has served me well over the years. Over and over again, when I haven’t wanted to go to a meeting, I went anyway, and once my body was there, my mind ended up being glad it went along, too. Like much of the wisdom in the program, I can apply the truth in this quote to many other areas of my life as well.

What I’ve learned is that taking action is almost always the gateway into feeling better. Rarely have I been able to think my way into different behavior or results or attitudes. Instead, it’s only when I take action (especially when I don’t want to) that things begin to shift, and I begin feeling better. The program, like life, doesn’t work when I’m into thinking, only when I’m into action.

It’s interesting how, even with this knowledge and experience, my mind still tells me not to do the things that will make me feel better. Often I’d rather watch TV than go to a meeting, rest after work than go to the gym, procrastinate rather than take action. The good news, though, is that it always works out for the best when I go ahead and take action anyway. Whenever I bring my body, my mind always follows.

[bluidkiti]

July 4

Quote of the Week

"How do you know when you’ve hit bottom? When you stop digging."

For years, I was driven by an obsession to drink. In the beginning I tried to control it, but after a while it had complete control over me. My drinking led me to a deep emotional, spiritual, and physical bottom, and only when I could admit to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic could I find the willingness to surrender and try a different way of living. And for me, that was working the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I have found sobriety to be a process. When I put the drink down, I found my obsessive thinking was woven into many other areas of my life: eating, shopping, sex, and so forth. Just about anything I wanted, I wanted more of, and soon my behavior led to new bottoms. It was hard to surrender things I wasn’t ready to let go of yet, and I quickly learned what they meant by the saying, “Anything an alcoholic finally lets go of has deep claw marks on it.”

One of the gifts of my recovery is that I can choose today when to stop digging. When my obsessive thinking starts, and my actions begin to make my life unmanageable, I now have tools I can use to be restored to sanity. By turning my thinking over to my Higher Power, or sharing my crazy thoughts in meetings or with my sponsor and others, I avoid new bottoms and can live a much happier life. How do I know when I’ve hit bottom today? When I stop digging.

[bluidkiti]

July 11

Quote of the Week

"Try praying. Nothing pleases God more than hearing a strange voice."

This quote hit me on several levels. First, it reminded me of how often I forget to use one of the most powerful tools in my spiritual tool kit: prayer. I was taught early on that praying is simply talking to God, and my repeated experience is that it works in so many ways. Each time I use it, I receive the peace, guidance, and strength I need to live life with grace and serenity.

This quote also reminds me that no matter how long it has been since I reached out to God, He is always waiting and happy to hear from me. I remember I learned this lesson early on in my recovery when I was angry with God and was guilty as I blamed and cursed Him. My sponsor told me that it didn’t matter what I said to God; He was big enough to handle it. The important thing was that I was finally talking to God.

What this taught me is that God’s love for me is unconditional. Knowing this enabled me to develop an open and honest dialogue that led to a loving and trusting relationship with my Higher Power. I grow and benefit from this relationship each time I remember to pray, and this quote reminds me that no matter how long it has been, God is always ready and happy to hear from me.

[bluidkiti]

July 18

Quote of the Week

"Even God can’t fill a cup that’s already full."

I had a lot of opinions before I got sober. I knew why I didn’t have stable employment, and it was always because the companies I worked for were so screwed up. The reason I didn’t have a significant other was because all the women I dated had too many demands (like I should call them regularly, etc.). And there were many reasons why I drank: I blamed the family I was raised in; the education I didn’t get; the IRS, which wanted my money. . . . Heck, you would drink, too, if you were me.

When I entered the Twelve Step program of recovery, I had a lot of opinions about that, too. First of all, even though I knew nothing about it, I was sure it wouldn’t work for me. I was sure I couldn’t stay sober for two or three months, let alone a year. When I heard the Lord’s Prayer at the end of a meeting, I knew that a religious group could never help me. And when I read about a fearless and thorough moral inventory, I knew that was a waste of time. When I gathered the courage to tell my sponsor my thoughts, he told me to remain open. He suggested that perhaps I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

For me, getting sober was more about letting go of old ideas than it was about forming more opinions. My recovery started when I learned to admit that perhaps I had been wrong about things, and that maybe I didn’t know everything after all. As I continued peeling back the onion layers of self and discarding my character defects, I became open to the light and love of a Higher Power. I have to remain vigilant, though, because even today it is easy to get full of myself again. So when I find myself in fear, judgment, or resentment, I remember to pray for humility because I know that even God can’t fill a cup that is already full.

[bluidkiti]

July 25

Quote of the Week

"I wanted to be famous, but God made me anonymous."

I had some pretty big plans when I entered the program. Even though my sponsor told me it wasn’t about money, property, and prestige, I knew better. I was convinced that, by being sober, I would finally write the books and create the products that would get me the recognition and riches I deserved. I even told my sponsor how good of a circuit speaker I would be and asked what I needed to do that. He smiled and suggested that a year of sobriety might be a good start.

As I began working the program, I made some startling revelations. In doing inventories, I found that there was a time when I had a lot of money, property, and prestige, but I was still miserable. As I did more work, I discovered that the hole I felt inside could never be filled with anything outside me, and the more I chased that, the emptier I felt. It was only when I surrendered the character defect of feeling terminally unique that I began to feel better.

One of the truest things I’ve learned in the program is that I will always feel less than when I compare my insides with someone else’s outsides. It has taken years, but I now understand why character building and my spiritual connection must come before any outside success if I’m to be happy. And I now appreciate the powerful role anonymity has played in helping me develop these essential qualities. Today, I understand the folly of wanting to be famous, and the wisdom of God’s anonymity.