Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2022
 

January 3

Quote of the Week

"Did God introduce me to the program, or did the program introduce me to God?"

In the beginning of my sobriety, I spent a lot of time resenting that I had to go to all those meetings and do all that work. “Why do I have to go to ninety meetings in ninety days?” “Why do I have to write another inventory?” “Why do I have to make a Fourth Step list of resentments, and why, especially, do I have to look at my part?” “Why can’t I just lead a normal life?” I cried. It took quite a while before the answer became clear.

What I finally realized was that all this work was part of the spiritual path I was on that led to a relationship with God, as I came to understand Him. All the work I had to go through was necessary because it enabled me to let go of my old self, and so become open to the healing and loving presence of a Higher Power. The freedom, the serenity, and the ability to live life on life’s terms are the gifts of the indescribable miracle I found through recovery.

Today, whenever I find it inconvenient to keep going to meetings, or if I become resentful that I’m still an alcoholic, I ask myself, If the program was the only way I would have found God, would I have chosen to be an alcoholic? My answer is a resounding yes! Today, I’m one of those people who identify in meetings as a grateful alcoholic. It no longer matters whether God introduced me to the program or if the program introduced me to God. All that is important is that I found Him.

January 10

Quote of the Week

"If you can’t learn to laugh at yourself, we’ll do it for you."

How serious everything seemed when I entered recovery. Overwhelmed by the problems I’d created, a home life that was in shambles, being unemployed and unemployable, I didn’t find very many things amusing. But the people in the rooms sure did. I often sat in amazement as one after another would share horrible experiences of things they’d done, or that had happened to them, while the room roared with laughter! What is wrong with these people? I thought.

The way that people were able to laugh and make fun of themselves made me uncomfortable to say the least. Still filled with the secret shame of my own experiences and thoughts, I was much too self-conscious to share or reveal myself. I was sure that if you knew what I had done, then you’d banish me from the rooms, and I’d have nowhere to go. Once again, just like when I was out there drinking, I felt trapped and alone.

Thank God I jumped into the middle of this program and got active. As I worked my way through the Steps and my life started to improve, I soon found myself identifying and laughing right along with everyone else. In fact, after a while I had enough distance and perspective on my life that I could even begin to see the humor in some of the humiliating situations my own warped way of thinking had gotten me into. I found I had developed compassion and empathy for myself, and this allowed me to laugh again—and what a gift that’s been.

January 17

Quote of the Week

"If you are bored in the program, then you’re boring."

I remember when I entered the program, I thought my life was over. No more parties, nightclubs, or wild, fun times. And worse, I was condemned to meetings where there were cliques of people who knew each other; I felt like I was back in high school. Sure, some people reached out to me, but I mostly wanted to isolate and keep to my secrets. And that’s when I told my sponsor how boring the program was.

I’ll never forget how patiently he listed to me. Once I was done, or had started repeating myself for the third time, he asked me some questions. “Are you asking to join people after the meetings for coffee or a meal?” No. “Are you offering to help set up or clean up after?” No. “Are you going to any of the picnics, roundups, dances, and parties that are offered?” No. “Then no wonder you’re bored. You’re boring!”

My sponsor explained that alcoholism is a disease that wants to keep us isolated so that it can kill us. He told me that people in the program insist on having fun, and as a group we’re not a glum lot. Just look at the laughter and friendships you see. But you have to take contrary action and join in if you want to be a part of. And deep down, I did. So I did get active. And what I found to be true in the program is also true in life: You get out of it what you put in to it. Today, I’m too active to be bored, and because of that, I get to live a life that is happy, joyous, and free.

January 24

Quote of the Week

"Live life today as though you knew you were dying."

We’ve all heard sayings like this before, and for many years my reaction was, “Yeah, but it’s not my last day and the rent is due at the end of the month, and my relationship isn’t getting better, and blah, blah, blah.” As the many worries of the future consumed me, the precious days and years passed by without me, and now, at thirteen years of sobriety, I wonder where the time went.

I remember when I got thirty days, an old-timer with twenty-four years shook my hand and congratulated me. I said, “Gee, I wish I had twenty-four years,” and I’ll never forget what he said. “I’ll trade you my twenty-four years, right now, for your thirty days.” It took me many years to see the wisdom in this: it’s about the journey, not the destination.

These days, I’m very aware of the gift of another day alive and sober. I’ve seen a lot of people go out or even die, and today I live from a place of supreme gratitude. Life is precious, beautiful, and filled with opportunities to help people and make a real difference. I appreciate my life today, and I’m grateful that I’m present enough to enjoy it. Today, I live life as though I were dying, and I’m fully alive because of it.

January 31

Quote of the Week

"Putting down the drink was the easy part. Change is the hard part."

I used to say that stopping drinking was easy; I did it hundreds of times. After a particularly bad drunk, I would wake up with that sick hangover and with demoralizing memories of what I had done. Then and there I swore off alcohol. Sometimes I lasted a week or longer, but ultimately, I would end up with a drink in my hand. Stopping drinking was easy, staying stopped? Well...

When I got sober in the rooms, I told my sponsor that I already knew how to not drink, what I didn’t know was how to live without always wanting to. He told me the key was changing who I was inside, so that the new man I became didn’t want a drink any longer. Why don’t I just change my eye color, I thought. How in the world am I going to accomplish that? He said we would do it one day at a time through working the Twelve Steps of recovery.

I must admit I felt skeptical, scared, resentful, and a thousand other emotions, but each day I took his suggestions and worked the Steps. I couldn’t see the progress I was making sometimes, but slowly I did begin to change. I remember being at a restaurant watching other people enjoy cocktails, and I found that for the first time I didn’t want one. The obsession to drink had been lifted! Now, that was a miracle. Many more followed, and over time many more things changed in me. Today, I am the new man my sponsor told me about, and I like who I’ve become.

February 7

Quote of the Week

"I have to change what I want, to get what I want."

When I was new in the program, my sponsor suggested that I make a list of all the things I wanted and hoped I’d get from being sober. That was easy because there were a lot of things I wanted. I went ahead and made my list, and things that would feed my pride, or give me property and prestige, were at the top. I then attempted to share it with him, but he said, “Just put it somewhere safe, and we’ll look at it after we work the Steps.”

As I worked my way through the program, my outside world started to improve. After a while, I began accumulating some of the things on my list, certain that I would begin feeling better. But a curious thing happened; they didn’t fix me. In fact, the more I got what I wanted, the more I realized that I didn’t really want those things anymore. What I found is that I had changed.

My sponsor told me that because the program worked from the inside out, to get what I wanted, I had to change what I wanted to match the new me I was becoming. When we pulled out my old list and we went over it together, I understood what he meant. Happiness, serenity, friends, and security don’t come from having certain things. They come from acting in alignment with the true self I discovered as a result of the Twelve Steps.

February 14

Quote of the Week

"Feelings are not facts."

Early sobriety was extremely uncomfortable. A universe of feelings greeted me each morning when I woke up, and I laid in bed and obsessed over each one. My emotional life became unmanageable very quickly. Frozen with fear before my day had even begun, I called my sponsor, and he urged me to let my feelings go. Once again, he tried to convince me that feelings were not facts, they were just feelings. I still wasn’t buying it and insisted that it was a fact that I was having the feelings, and that made them real enough to me. I paid a heavy price for my stubbornness as my feelings would hit me like a freight train and drag me down their tracks.

After I got a little recovery, I learned to put some space between having a feeling and impulsively acting on it. I began to realize that my feelings only became facts if I acted on them. For example, if I felt like drinking that was just a feeling. But if I acted on it—by taking a drink—then that feeling became a fact in my life. What I eventually learned is that I could sit through and survive my feelings. Like clouds in the sky, they would always move on if I could just wait them out.

Today, I’m not immune to having a full range of feelings. Especially when life gets busy and stressful, lots of uncomfortable feelings still come up. But now with some recovery and lots of experience, when I see the freight train of feelings approaching, I simply step aside. Today, I sit and watch as the train passes, and sometimes I can actually feel the wind from it as it whizzes by. Today, I know my feelings really aren’t facts, they are just feelings. And if I pause long enough, they will always pass by.

February 21

Quote of the Week

"Try not to place conditions on your sobriety."

The first time in the program, I had a lot of conditions on whether I was going to stay sober or not. First of all, if I wasn’t noticeably better within ninety days, I was going to quit. Next, if I wasn’t happy in six months, I was going to move to England and buy that pub and live above it. Last, if I made it to one whole year and wasn’t a hugely successful Hollywood producer, I was going back to drinking forever. Needless to say, I was drunk after ninety-one days.

When I finally got sober again and committed myself to working the Steps, I had a new set of conditions. To start with, if I were suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer, I was going to get loaded. If my family were to die tragically, I was also going to drink and denounce God. And if things got so bad that I ended up in prison or on the streets, I was probably going to drink as well. My sponsor listened with amusement as I recounted my conditions. He had heard this all before. And that’s when he told me to try not to place conditions on my sobriety.

What I learned in the program is that my sobriety must come first, no matter what. All the scenarios I painted are part of life, and could indeed happen, but none of them would be made better if I took a drink. As I worked through the Steps and moved closer to my Higher Power, I discovered a peace and a strength I had never known. What I found is that my new spiritual condition is without a doubt the most valuable thing I possess, and as long as I hold on to that, I can get through anything with grace and even serenity. Today, sobriety is the only condition of my life, and so long as I have that, I have everything.

February 28

Quote of the Week

"It will take me at least as long to get out of this mess as it did to get into it."

I drank like an alcoholic from the first time I took a drink. I didn’t drink socially or for the taste; instead, I drank to get wasted. And I did this for nineteen years. During that time, everything in my life suffered. My career went nowhere; my relationships deteriorated; my health declined. By the time I was finally at my bottom, my life was in shambles, and my choice was to either keep drinking and die or get sober.

After about four months in the program, I began to get restless. As I surveyed the state of my life, I was frustrated it was still a mess. I began to feel entitled for it to be better already. I mean, I was sober for four months already! As I saw other people in the program improve their lives, I developed a serious case of, “Where’s mine?” When I brought this up to my sponsor, he asked me how my Step Two inventory was going.

The lesson I had to learn was that my life would—and did—improve, but it wasn’t going to happen overnight. I was reminded that it took nineteen years to get to my bottom, and that it would take some time to dig myself out. Thankfully, the program gave me the tools to stay present, to work on what was in front of me, and to have faith in the process. These tools not only worked then, but they remain the way I deal with a goal or challenge today. These days, I give myself at least as long for something to improve as it took to get messed up.

March 7

Quote of the Week

"When I entered recovery, I was dropped into the landscape of Grace."

My life used to be a living hell. Driven by an obsessive mind and a disease that wanted me dead (and settled for drunk), I was driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear and I felt alone and defenseless. I had no tools for living, no hope for the future, and darkness filled my thoughts and painted my days. Finally, I hit bottom.

When I entered the rooms of recovery, I felt as if I had been lifted out of a sinking life raft and dropped into a great big, safe ship. Meetings gave me (and still give me) support, comfort, hope, and help. The program provided me with the owner’s manual to the life I had always wanted, and the greatest gift of all was a relationship with a loving and nurturing Higher Power.

Today, I begin my days by turning my will and my life over to my Higher Power. By surrendering my will, asking for His guidance, and then seeking to do His work, I experience a freedom, a sense of purpose, and a state of serenity that is beautiful. It is Grace. Today, I get to choose to live in this landscape of Grace, and for me that is the miracle of recovery.

March 14

Quote of the Week

"Is this going to help me stay sober, or help me get drunk?"

When I was a newcomer I asked my sponsor if I could still hang out with my drinking buddies at the bars and still go to parties and clubs like I used to. He suggested that might not be a good idea in the beginning of my sobriety, and that instead I should go to as many meetings as I could. He said it was important to establish a foundation that would support and strengthen my early recovery. I’m glad I took his direction. It was very difficult staying sober during the first six months or so, and the experience, strength, and guidance I found in the fellowship were crucial to me.

After six months, I started attending family barbeques and get-togethers, and I discovered a whole new threat to my sanity and sobriety: long-standing relationships with family members. Unable to deal with the onslaught of old patterns, new resentments, and unhealthy boundaries, I withdrew from those situations as well. Someone suggested I might find some solutions by working the Twelve Steps in Al-Anon. Once again, I took direction and did work that wonderful program. I learned invaluable ways of honoring myself and my process, and by detaching with love, I learned to set appropriate and healthy boundaries.

After many years in the program, I still run into situations that challenge my sanity and sobriety: intimate relationships, work-related events, exciting vacations, sitting in traffic, and so on. Whenever I am unsure of how to behave or what to do, I check in with other sober people and with my sponsor. I remain open to their direction. Ultimately, though, I find their suggestions come down to a very simple question: Is this going to help me stay sober or help me get drunk? Once I answer that question, the choice is clear.

March 21

Quote of the Week

"Keep it green so that you don’t forget where you came from."

I used to have an amazing ability to recover from a night’s—or a weekend’s—worth of debauchery. While there were days when I would swear off that kind of behavior and made promises to never drink that much, or never do that kind of thing again, inevitably I forgot the pain and demoralization and did it all over. Having the physical ability to bounce back was good, but not being able to remember the ugly consequences—and not being able to control my drinking or other abuses that led to them—caused my life to become unmanageable. Finally, I looked for a better way.

When I entered the program and got sober, the familiar cycle began again. After thirty days, I felt great physically and began to forget about my inability to control my drinking. Soon I was thinking that while there had been some bad incidents lately, these were isolated, and surely now that I had some time and knew more about alcoholism I would be more careful and could probably control and enjoy my drinking again. My sponsor suggested I work my First Step more thoroughly by writing an exhaustive inventory, and then move into the Second and Third Steps. Most of all, he recommended I didn’t drink, one day at a time.

I’m glad I didn’t. What I found is that the more sobriety I got, the more I realized how bad things really were for me. I also learned that alcoholism is the only disease that tells me that I don’t have it, and that every night while I sleep, it is in the closet doing push-ups—getting stronger and waiting for me to let my guard down. It chills me still when I hear of people going back out after long-term sobriety. To avoid that terrible fate, I’ve been taught to keep doing the things that got my life good: attending meeting regularly, helping others, and so on, rather than the things that got good. Regularly doing so allows me to keep it green, and that’s a good thing, because I don’t ever want to forget where I came from.

March 28

Quote of the Week

"The ‘why’ questions keep us in the problem."

In recovery, I have learned that the “why” questions always keep me in the problem—questions like, “Why did that have to happen?” or “Why didn’t/couldn’t she do this?” or “Why does it always have to turn out that way?” or “Why can’t I catch a break just once?” “Why” questions not only keep me focused on the problem, they almost always turn me into a victim as well.

As I worked the Steps of the program, many wonderful things began happening in my life, beginning with an awareness of my thinking and self-talk. My sponsor taught me about the “why” questions and encouraged me to look for solutions using who, what, how, and where questions instead. It was hard at first to break my old habits of thinking, but I got better as I learned to ask better questions.

Today when I have a problem or situation I don’t like, I ask questions like, “What are three things I can do right now to remedy this?” or “Who might have experience with this that I can call for help?” or “What lessons are here for me to learn and grow from?” or “Where can I get a solution for this?” These questions help me get out of the problem and into the solution. Today, I know how to ask better questions.

April 4

Quote of the Week

"My recovery changed when I forever gave up the hope of having a different past."

I have spent a lot of time thinking about my past—alternately feeling sorry for myself or being outraged by the wrongs—real or imagined—that were done to me. A constant theme in my thinking is how much different, better, and happier I would be if only I hadn’t had these parents, or these stepparents, or these siblings, and so on. My angst over my past fed resentments that fueled my alcoholism, and that nearly ruined my future.

But it will never be different. My past will always be my past, and, good or bad, it is uniquely mine. When I got to the program I was taught that in recovery we stop fighting everybody and everything; in other words, we surrender. At first I saw surrender as a sign of weakness, but soon I found it to be the path to freedom. By releasing myself from the pain of my past, I could see it in a new light, and the miracle of my recovery had begun.

By working the program, I am able to make peace with my past, to look at my part, and see the lessons and gifts it has to offer. And what I find is that no matter how painful or unjust my past was, with time I could see how valuable my experiences are, and how I can use them to help another. A therapist once told me, “Our deepest wounds, integrated, become our greatest power.” Once I have healed my past, I begin to see how it can help heal someone else’s.

April 11

Quote of the Week

"Honesty without compassion is hostility."

Before recovery, I had a lot of resentments I was unaware of, and the burden of these buried feelings was heavy. They were often expressed in a passive-aggressive way when I gave my opinion or offered unasked-for advice. I thought I was just being honest, but I’ve come to see I was often lashing out and being mean. Unaware of the impact of my “honesty,” I unintentionally hurt a lot of people.

When I started working the program, I discovered a tool for uncovering, discovering, and eventually discarding these resentments. It’s called a fearless and thorough Fourth Step. When I started writing my inventory, I imagined I had one or two resentments at most, but soon found that I had hundreds. I almost needed a whole notebook just for my family! No wonder I was so spiteful.

By working the rest of the Twelve Steps, I’ve been able to let go of these resentments, and something miraculous has happened: I’ve developed compassion for others and for myself. Freed from petty resentments and imagined wrongs, I now identify with the struggles we all share as we make our way through life. I’m not better nor worse than anyone else. Newfound compassion now allows me to be open with and thus deeply connected to others. Today, my honesty is based on true compassion.

April 18

Quote of the Week

"Keep the broom on your side of the street."

It is so easy for me to point my finger and judge. “He’s not open-minded enough,” “She should stop telling people what to do,” “He’s driving like a jerk,” “She’s not raising her kids right,” and so on. By constantly criticizing and condemning others, it’s also easy to avoid looking at my own behavior. It’s easy for me to become self-righteous, and from that high perch I ultimately find myself disliked and alone. When my big ego isn’t getting the attention it thinks it deserves, it’s easy to get on my pity pot and think Poor me, poor me, heck, I should pour myself a drink!

When I entered the program, I was still pointing fingers: “I drank because she didn’t understand me.” “I used because my boss was unreasonable and demanding.” “I’m an alcoholic because my dad was one.” My sponsor showed me that when I was pointing my finger at others, three fingers were pointing back at me. He encouraged me to work my Fourth Step to see what my part might be in my resentment and judgments, and that’s when my recovery began.

By turning my magic magnifying mind away from others and onto myself, I began to see that I wasn’t as perfect as I thought I was. I soon found that I wasn’t so open-minded either. I loved telling people what to do, and I was often the one behind you honking my horn. My sponsor helped me see that any fault I could spot in others meant that I had the same one in myself. He taught me that by working hard to eliminate my own character defects, I would be able to free myself and others from unkind and unnecessary judgment. By doing so, I finally learned the wisdom and benefit of keeping the broom on my side of the street.

April 25

Quote of the Week

"The longer I’m sober, the drunker I was."

Denial is an amazing thing. When I first entered the program, I had no intention of staying sober longer than a few months. I just needed to pull things together a little, get myself under control again. I wasn’t like the real alcoholics I heard share in meetings, and I was sure I could control my drinking again once I cooled it a bit. After all, it hadn’t been that bad, I told myself.

As the fog cleared, though, and I began journaling and working the Steps, more began to be revealed to me. I especially remember sitting in meetings listening to people share about being arrested for drunk driving and thinking That never happened to me. I was sober over a year before I remembered that when I was seventeen I crashed my car into two parked cars and was arrested for reckless drunk driving. That was a humbling memory.

As I peel back the layers of my past and uncover the truth about my drinking and using history, I’m amazed at how lucky I’ve been. I know that hospitals, institutions, and prisons are packed with alcoholics and addicts who never found sobriety, and I now know I could easily have been one of them. Today, my denial is gone, and the longer I stay sober, the drunker I realize I was.

May 2

Quote of the Week

"Let it begin with me."

At my morning meditation meeting, a newcomer has a commitment to clean the room before the meeting starts. That’s great. The problem is that the bleach solution he is using is strong and toxic. I approached an elder of the meeting to complain and was surprised when he intimated that it wasn’t all about me. He suggested I speak to the newcomer and work it out. I didn’t, and instead I sat and quietly fumed over the whole situation.

Before recovery I used to feel this kind of frustration a lot. The problems in my life were always someone else’s fault, and for much of the time I played the victim and swallowed resentments. Over time, these resentments and perceived wrongs, combined with my drinking, almost killed me. Thank God for the fourth column of the Fourth Step. It was there that I learned to identify my part—and my responsibility. Turns out, if I take care of my side of the street, things tend to work out.

By the end of the meeting, I had chosen how to handle the situation. Unfortunately, the newcomer left early, but I have decided to speak with him next week. First, I’m going to acknowledge his service and see how his sobriety is going. Then I’m going to bring him a less toxic cleaning solution so that he and I and the rest of the group aren’t breathing in harmful chemicals. I remember the lessons of my Fourth Step and know that if something is to be changed, then let it begin with me to help make it that way.

May 9

Quote of the Week

"No God, no peace. Know God, know peace."

Lately, I’ve been having a rough time with my business. So many companies have tightened their budgets because of the economy, and that means my sales (and income) are way down as a result. This has led to many restless nights, getting up and worrying at 4 AM, and having a knot in my stomach most of the day.

As I went to bed last Sunday night, I could feel the familiar dread descending. As the knot began tightening, I suddenly remembered to reach out to God. Why had I been trying to go it alone? I immediately asked God to be with me right then and told Him I didn’t want to wake up again alone. I asked Him to be with me in the morning, to comfort me and to allow me to know His peace.

As soon as I said that prayer, I felt my body relax and the knot dissolve. I felt a calm and a peace I hadn’t known for many nights. While I still woke up early, the difference was that I wasn’t worried as on previous mornings; rather, I knew that the presence of God was with me. As I lay there I just kept thinking, Remember, it works if you work it. I also remembered, No God, no peace. Know God, know peace.

May 16

Quote of the Week

"No’ is a complete sentence."

Having been raised in an alcoholic home, I didn’t learn much about boundaries. My mother, an untreated Al-Anon, scurried about the house trying to make everything okay. I learned that the best way to avoid trouble and get my limited needs met was by stuffing my feelings, letting everyone else have their way, and never saying no.

As I grew older, these very adaptive living and defense strategies became character defects that caused me to be insincere in relationships, continually unhappy, and ultimately unable to form meaningful bonds with other people. Without healthy boundaries, I couldn’t stand up for myself and make my true needs known. Instead of looking at my role in this, I just blamed other people and formed a lot of resentments.

When I entered the program, boundaries, self-care, and responsibility for my own happiness were new ideas to me. One of the most helpful concepts was learning that my needs and well-being were not only my responsibility and right, but that I didn’t have to justify or defend them to anybody. I learned that if something wasn’t right for me, I could simply say no; I didn’t need to argue, convince, or explain why. More importantly, I didn’t need to feel guilty for stating my truth. Today, “No” is a complete sentence.

May 23

Quote of the Week

"Things might not get better for me, but I can get better despite things."

When I was a newcomer, I was convinced that because I was now sober, things in my life would get better. I was sure my career would finally get on track, my relationships would improve, and so on. And I thought that as those things came together, I would finally be happy. In fact, I secretly felt like I deserved for things to improve now that I was being “good.” Boy, was I wrong.

What actually happened was that my life started to spiral out of control. It was as if things had a natural momentum to them, and even though I wasn’t acting the same way, the wreckage of my past was beginning to catch up with me. As I grew more and more miserable, my sponsor taught me something that set me free.

I remember he sat me down and asked me if I could make it through the day without a drink or a drug. I told him I could, and that’s when he taught me that while I may not be able to control all the things in my life, I could control the most important thing of all—my sobriety and my recovery. He told me that if I took care of that, then all the other “things” would work out. While at first I didn’t believe him, it turns out he was right. Today, I know that while things may not always get better for me, I can get better if I focus on the one thing that matters: my sobriety.

May 30

Quote of the Week

"Alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer."

I never thought of myself as an alcoholic. My idea of an alcoholic was a bum living in the gutter downtown, or someone wearing a dirty raincoat drinking from a paper bag. I owned a home, had a retirement account, and dined at fancy restaurants. I just drank too much sometimes—it could happen to anyone. After years of what I’ve now discovered to be the slow progression of the disease of alcoholism, my life hit a bottom, and I started attending A.A. meetings.

When I got to the rooms, the people I met didn’t fit the profile of what I thought of as alcoholics. There were no dirty trench coats, and the guys who had five-day-old beards wore them carefully cut and shaped. I met people in all lines of work: attorneys, dentists, actors, housewives, and more. They were full of life—laughing, sharing, and giving freely of themselves. As I listened to their experiences and feelings, I identified with them, and I felt like I belonged.

I remember being in a meeting and hearing a newcomer share that he didn’t think he was an alcoholic. Someone else shared that nonalcoholics rarely found themselves in an A.A. meeting on a Saturday night denying they were alcoholics. The suggestion was to keep coming back. As I kept coming to meetings and working the Steps, I discovered that I, too, had the disease. I found that it is an equal opportunity destroyer, and that no one was immune. I also found that we all have a common solution that works every time we work it. I thank God daily I was willing to try it.

June 6

Quote of the Week

"We may be powerless, but we’re not helpless."

Accepting that I was powerless over people, places, and things was a concept I rebelled against on almost every level in the beginning. Before recovery, I was driven by the belief that not only could I control others (especially those I loved and cared for), but it was my duty to do so. Despite the fact that it rarely worked, I stubbornly persisted, frustrating myself and irritating and alienating those I was trying to control—err, I mean, help.

When I entered another Twelve Step program for this, I was told that the reason I had been unable to influence, help, or control another was because I was in fact powerless over other people, places, and things. If that’s true, then there is absolutely no hope for this situation! I thought. Accepting this was contrary to everything I believed, and it meant complete defeat. What was I to do?

By working this wonderful and much needed program, I soon learned that surrendering to this powerlessness was actually the gateway to a new freedom. Once the untenable burden of controlling or fixing others was lifted, I was suddenly free to invest my energy where I did have some power and influence—over my own life. And that is when I realized I was no longer helpless to fix my situation and my life. Today, I understand and truly appreciate that I may be powerless, but I’m not helpless to make things better.

June 13

Quote of the Week

"Half measures do avail us something—it’s just the half we don’t want."

Before sobriety, I was a master of “half measuring” in my life, and what I got was the half I didn’t want. At work I arrived late, did just enough to get by, and was the first to leave. The result was that I was fired a lot. In relationships, I paid attention just enough to get what I wanted and wasn’t very interested in doing what she wanted to do. The result was that my relationships didn’t last very long. I half measured my way through school, my family, and my health, and the results I got were always the half I didn’t want.

In the beginning of the program, I was half measuring it as well. I showed up late, sat in the back, didn’t help clean up, and wouldn’t go to fellowship. After complaining to my sponsor that the program wasn’t working, he quickly pointed to my half-measure attempts and the half-measure results I was getting. If I wanted to be happy, joyous, and free, he told me, then I would have to give the program everything I had.

Once I became willing to do whatever it took to get and maintain sobriety, things did begin to change. When I arrived early and greeted people, I became known and felt a part of. When I started sharing what was really going on, I felt better. And when I really worked the Steps, I began to recover, and the desire to drink and use lessened and finally left me. Today, I no longer half measure my way through life, and because of that, I get to enjoy the full benefits of everything I do.

June 20

Quote of the Week

"When I feed the problem, it grows; when I feed the solution, it grows."

In the program, I learned I have a magic-magnifying mind. I discovered that I tend to obsessively think about certain things to the exclusion of all else. Before recovery, I focused my magic-magnifying mind on my problems, and as I did, they tended to get bigger and even multiply. Round and round I went, chasing each problem and imagining the worst. The only solution I could think of was to drink more, and that just led me to even darker places.

In recovery, I discovered some solutions. The first was to put the plug in the jug. Next, I learned to share my problems with others and learn from the solutions they found to similar situations. I also learned to develop a relationship with a Power greater than myself. This took away the burden of solving problems on my own and taught me to be open to God’s will and direction. During this process, I also learned that what I feed grows, and if I want my life to get better, I have to change what I am feeding.

While this sounds easy, it still takes work even today. The good part is that I am much quicker to recognize when I’m feeding a problem, and when I do, I quickly ask myself what I’m afraid of. Once I know that, I can turn my magic-magnifying mind on to the solution. I’ve gotten much better at turning things over, thinking about more positive outcomes, and feeding solutions. And I’m happy to report that my life is much better for it. I’m now open to God’s infinite array of better outcomes, and I choose to focus on those today instead of my problems.

June 27

Quote of the Week

"Bring the body, the mind will follow."

This is a quote I heard early on in my recovery, and it has served me well over the years. Over and over again, when I haven’t wanted to go to a meeting, I went anyway, and once my body was there, my mind ended up being glad it went along, too. Like much of the wisdom in the program, I can apply the truth in this quote to many other areas of my life as well.

What I’ve learned is that taking action is almost always the gateway into feeling better. Rarely have I been able to think my way into different behavior or results or attitudes. Instead, it’s only when I take action (especially when I don’t want to) that things begin to shift, and I begin feeling better. The program, like life, doesn’t work when I’m into thinking, only when I’m into action.

It’s interesting how, even with this knowledge and experience, my mind still tells me not to do the things that will make me feel better. Often I’d rather watch TV than go to a meeting, rest after work than go to the gym, procrastinate rather than take action. The good news, though, is that it always works out for the best when I go ahead and take action anyway. Whenever I bring my body, my mind always follows.

July 4

Quote of the Week

"How do you know when you’ve hit bottom? When you stop digging."

For years, I was driven by an obsession to drink. In the beginning I tried to control it, but after a while it had complete control over me. My drinking led me to a deep emotional, spiritual, and physical bottom, and only when I could admit to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic could I find the willingness to surrender and try a different way of living. And for me, that was working the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I have found sobriety to be a process. When I put the drink down, I found my obsessive thinking was woven into many other areas of my life: eating, shopping, sex, and so forth. Just about anything I wanted, I wanted more of, and soon my behavior led to new bottoms. It was hard to surrender things I wasn’t ready to let go of yet, and I quickly learned what they meant by the saying, “Anything an alcoholic finally lets go of has deep claw marks on it.”

One of the gifts of my recovery is that I can choose today when to stop digging. When my obsessive thinking starts, and my actions begin to make my life unmanageable, I now have tools I can use to be restored to sanity. By turning my thinking over to my Higher Power, or sharing my crazy thoughts in meetings or with my sponsor and others, I avoid new bottoms and can live a much happier life. How do I know when I’ve hit bottom today? When I stop digging.

July 11

Quote of the Week

"Try praying. Nothing pleases God more than hearing a strange voice."

This quote hit me on several levels. First, it reminded me of how often I forget to use one of the most powerful tools in my spiritual tool kit: prayer. I was taught early on that praying is simply talking to God, and my repeated experience is that it works in so many ways. Each time I use it, I receive the peace, guidance, and strength I need to live life with grace and serenity.

This quote also reminds me that no matter how long it has been since I reached out to God, He is always waiting and happy to hear from me. I remember I learned this lesson early on in my recovery when I was angry with God and was guilty as I blamed and cursed Him. My sponsor told me that it didn’t matter what I said to God; He was big enough to handle it. The important thing was that I was finally talking to God.

What this taught me is that God’s love for me is unconditional. Knowing this enabled me to develop an open and honest dialogue that led to a loving and trusting relationship with my Higher Power. I grow and benefit from this relationship each time I remember to pray, and this quote reminds me that no matter how long it has been, God is always ready and happy to hear from me.

July 18

Quote of the Week

"Even God can’t fill a cup that’s already full."

I had a lot of opinions before I got sober. I knew why I didn’t have stable employment, and it was always because the companies I worked for were so screwed up. The reason I didn’t have a significant other was because all the women I dated had too many demands (like I should call them regularly, etc.). And there were many reasons why I drank: I blamed the family I was raised in; the education I didn’t get; the IRS, which wanted my money. . . . Heck, you would drink, too, if you were me.

When I entered the Twelve Step program of recovery, I had a lot of opinions about that, too. First of all, even though I knew nothing about it, I was sure it wouldn’t work for me. I was sure I couldn’t stay sober for two or three months, let alone a year. When I heard the Lord’s Prayer at the end of a meeting, I knew that a religious group could never help me. And when I read about a fearless and thorough moral inventory, I knew that was a waste of time. When I gathered the courage to tell my sponsor my thoughts, he told me to remain open. He suggested that perhaps I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

For me, getting sober was more about letting go of old ideas than it was about forming more opinions. My recovery started when I learned to admit that perhaps I had been wrong about things, and that maybe I didn’t know everything after all. As I continued peeling back the onion layers of self and discarding my character defects, I became open to the light and love of a Higher Power. I have to remain vigilant, though, because even today it is easy to get full of myself again. So when I find myself in fear, judgment, or resentment, I remember to pray for humility because I know that even God can’t fill a cup that is already full.

July 25

Quote of the Week

"I wanted to be famous, but God made me anonymous."

I had some pretty big plans when I entered the program. Even though my sponsor told me it wasn’t about money, property, and prestige, I knew better. I was convinced that, by being sober, I would finally write the books and create the products that would get me the recognition and riches I deserved. I even told my sponsor how good of a circuit speaker I would be and asked what I needed to do that. He smiled and suggested that a year of sobriety might be a good start.

As I began working the program, I made some startling revelations. In doing inventories, I found that there was a time when I had a lot of money, property, and prestige, but I was still miserable. As I did more work, I discovered that the hole I felt inside could never be filled with anything outside me, and the more I chased that, the emptier I felt. It was only when I surrendered the character defect of feeling terminally unique that I began to feel better.

One of the truest things I’ve learned in the program is that I will always feel less than when I compare my insides with someone else’s outsides. It has taken years, but I now understand why character building and my spiritual connection must come before any outside success if I’m to be happy. And I now appreciate the powerful role anonymity has played in helping me develop these essential qualities. Today, I understand the folly of wanting to be famous, and the wisdom of God’s anonymity.

August 1

Quote of the Week

"Faith is spelled a-c-t-i-o-n."

I did a lot of thinking when I was drinking. I’d think about how bad my life was and how things weren’t going to get any better. As I kept drinking, I thought about all the things I could do, and after a few more drinks, I thought about how good I’d feel if I did them. After a while, I stopped thinking, couldn’t remember where I was, and I entered oblivion. Finally, I had some peace from thinking—until I came to. Then it all started again.

When I got sober, I started to wear my sponsor out with all the things I was thinking. They say early recovery is a roller-coaster ride: first up with newfound hope and possibility, then down with regret and remorse. I took along for the ride anyone who would listen to me. After a while, my sponsor directed me into the Big Book and showed me there was a chapter called “Into Action,” not “Into Thinking.”

What I discovered about my thinking was that the majority of it was based on fear. My sponsor showed me that the way out of fear was through faith in a Higher Power, and the way to cultivate that was by taking action. “Fake it until you make it,” I heard over and over again. “Do the things you would do if you had faith, and suddenly you will find that you do,” was another. So I got into action, and my life changed. Even today, I remember to feel the fear, but to take the action anyway. And every time I do, things get better, opportunities open up, and my Higher Power shows me the way.

August 8

Quote of the Week

"I’m glad that what’s going on in my head isn’t happening in my life."

I don’t know why, but my perception of my life is always different—and worse—than the reality of what is happening in my life. I can simply be in line at Starbucks, but my head is elsewhere and it’s all bad. I’m thinking the line is so slow, and I’ll be late to work; the coffee won’t be hot enough, and the traffic afterward will be horrible, and I’ll miss that big deal, and then I’ll lose my job and join the rest of the world of the unemployed in the Second Great Depression. And this is all happening while in line getting coffee!

When I heard today’s quote, I began to understand what they mean when they say that alcoholism is a disease of perception. My best thinking used to get me into trouble, and even in recovery the distortion of my thoughts can easily make me restless, irritable, and discontented. That’s why I must rely on my Higher Power and the program to constantly restore me to sanity.

These days, I’ve learned to run my thinking by others in the fellowship and to turn my fears over to God. I now listen less to my thoughts, and instead I pay attention to the reality of my life in the present moment. When I do this, I’m able to appreciate the miracle my life is today, and I’m able to enjoy the serenity I have access to, no matter where my thoughts are or what I’m doing. Today, I’m grateful that what’s going on in my head isn’t happening in my life.

August 15

Quote of the Week

"I usually want justice only for myself."

When I was new in the program, I was filled with self-pity and resentful at how unfair life was. I pointed fingers at all the people, places, and things that had done me wrong and asked where the justice was. “Why aren’t people making amends to me?” I asked. “What about all the hard times I have endured through the years?” I bemoaned to anyone who would listen. “There is no justice in the world,” I said. “If life were fair, then things would be better.” I truly believed this.

One day an old-timer confronted me and asked me if I really wanted the world to be fair. I indignantly said, “Yes!” He looked at me and told me he was thankful life wasn’t fair, because if it was, then he would be in prison for some of the things he had done. He looked me straight in the eye and asked me where I would be if life were truly fair. That shut me up.

What I’ve come to realize now is that none of us are saints. We’ve all acted the best we could, given our awareness and where we stood at the time. And I’ve learned that there is something more important than justice, and that is forgiveness. It’s much easier to be self-righteous than it is to practice love and tolerance, but that is the path to freedom and serenity. I now recognize the selfishness in wanting justice for myself, and instead I pray for the knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry that out. And what I get is much more than justice. I get serenity.

August 22

Quote of the Week

"Pain is necessary; misery is optional."

For years, I used alcohol to try to avoid the pain in my life. Whether it was emotional pain caused by relationships, financial pain caused by poor job choices, physical pain, or spiritual or even mental anguish, drinking was my way out. The problem was when I came to the next day, my problems were still there, and now I also had misery as well. Not only did I fret and worry about my problems all over again, but I had new ones because of the actions I had taken while loaded.

When I came into the program, I thought the Steps might somehow teach me how to avoid pain in my life. I magically thought that because I was now being good and trying to get spiritual, that somehow my life would be free of pain. Delusional, I know, but we alcoholics are a grandiose lot. Besides dealing with all the pain I had and had caused, I also found that life was still in session. And a part of life includes pain. Somehow this revelation shocked me a bit.

What I also learned, however, is that there is a huge difference between pain and misery. While pain is inevitable, misery—caused by how much I dwell on the pain, what I choose to do about it, how I decide to handle it—is optional. The program and the Steps have given me many ways to release the misery I used to hold on to, and it gave me so much more. It taught me the true purpose of pain: that pain is the touchstone of growth, and that after pain there is recovery. Today, I recognize pain as an opportunity to grow, and that creating misery is optional.

August 29

Quote of the Week

"Don’t take yourself so **** seriously!"

When I came into the program, everything was a big deal, and I was very serious. My finances, my future, and my wrecked relationships—everything was overwhelming. I remember attending meetings and hearing the laughter and thinking, What’s so **** funny? The only reason we’re here is because our lives suck! It took me quite a while before I could join in with that laughter, and the moment I did, my life began to change.

As I got further into the program, that sense of impending doom began to dissipate, and I felt like I could breathe again. The secrets and shame I had hidden for so long began to come out, and as I shared with others what was inside me, I began to feel lighter. I began to laugh more at myself and with others, and I finally began to feel human and a part of life again. Most of all, I started to realize what was truly important.

Today, I know that the future will take care of itself if I take care of today. I now have faith that there is a God working in my life, and that even if things don’t go my way, that it’s not only okay, it often turns out for the better. Today, money isn’t as important as relationships, and the only things that really matter are health and sobriety. I’ve learned to live life on life’s terms and, most of all, not to take myself so **** seriously.

September 5

Quote of the Week

"If you’re looking for an easier, softer way, there are no other directions."

In the past, there was only one way to do things—my way. I was convinced I had all the answers, knew the right way, and thought that because I did, life would be easy. I believed I would be happy if everybody would just obey my commands. After years of bullying my way through life and manipulating others to get what I wanted, I was finally brought to my knees and admitted defeat.

When I began working the program, I was told it was the easier, softer way, but it sure didn’t feel like it at first. There were Steps, commitments, honest inventories, lots of feelings, and new ways of acting and interacting with others. In the beginning, I rebelled mightily against this new way of life and often longed to, and sometimes did, revert back to old ways of thinking and acting. And each time I did, my life became unmanageable once again.

As I persevered and worked the Steps, something miraculous happened: I changed. As I changed, this new way of life actually began working for me. After a while, the Twelve Steps and the principles of the program became the life manual I had always wanted but had been unsuccessful in writing for myself. One day I realized that I had found the easier, softer way, and now I had the directions I had always longed for.

September 12

Quote of the Week

"We never know the difference between a tragedy and a blessing."

When I got sober, I thought it was the worst tragedy ever. First, I thought, I could never go to Europe again? I mean who could enjoy England without going into a pub and having a pint? And can you imagine a café in Paris without a glass of wine? And how about all those special times anywhere, like New Year’s Eve, weddings, weekend parties? Everybody would be drinking and enjoying themselves, and I would be stuck in a corner alone and hating it. Tragedy? The enjoyment of the rest of my life seemed gone for good.

As I worked the Steps in recovery, I began taking inventories of my career of drinking and using. What emerged wasn’t a pattern of drinking like other people and enjoying parties, but of getting drunk, blacking out, and engaging in humiliating behaviors. During my last trip to Paris, I realized all I wanted to do was drink red wine, not visit museums or monuments. I even sent a postcard to my best friend saying I should have just stayed home, bought a case of French wine, and saved myself the $3,000 it took to travel. After remaining sober a few years, though, a new pattern developed; I began enjoying life in a rich and meaningful way.

What started out as a tragedy—getting sober—has turned out to be the biggest blessing of my life. My life today is indescribably better than I could have ever hoped for. And what it all comes down to is that, today, I try to do God’s will rather than my own. My wife and I now look at things differently. When something doesn’t work out the way we hoped, we now ask, “Is that a bad thing?” Instead of getting upset that we didn’t get our way, we now wait to see what God has in store for us. So many times, what ends up happening is much better than what we had in mind. Today, I have the wisdom to look beyond a seeming tragedy and look for the blessing instead.

September 19

Quote of the Week

"Prayer might not change things for you, but it changes you for things."

One of the things I love about the program of recovery are God shots. God shots are when things happen—consequences, chance meetings, happenings, or hearing the right things—just when you need them most. The magical thing is that they often fulfill a need you had but weren’t even aware of. Working a spiritual program tunes you in to these wonderful moments, and the more you open yourself up to them, the more they appear. They are one of the ongoing gifts of sobriety.

I heard this quote the night before I was to have surgery, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I had been managing my anxiety pretty well, but when it came to the night before, I was starting to imagine the worst. For some reason, I had forgotten to pray about it that day, and so fear had pushed upon me the responsibility for how the surgery would go and what the recovery would be like. The scenarios I was painting were pretty black.

And then I checked my email and got this God shot. Someone had sent this quote to me, and suddenly everything was in perspective again. I immediately prayed and asked God to restore me to sanity around my surgery, and I turned the results over to Him. As soon as I was done, I felt the familiar peace I’ve come to know from talking to God. Nothing had changed about the surgery, but everything had changed in me. As I went to sleep that night, I said another prayer of thanks: for my recovery, for my relationship with my Higher Power, and for the God shot I received just when I needed it.

September 26

Quote of the Week

"The only thing worse than my problems are my solutions to them."

I used to think I had all the answers when I was drinking, so I couldn’t understand why my life wasn’t getting better despite what I did to fix it. If my boss was a jerk, I’d quit. If my girlfriend wasn’t paying attention to me, I’d go out with someone else. If my landlord didn’t like it when I was late with the rent, I’d move. No matter what I tried, things only seemed to get worse.

When I began working the program, I told my sponsor all about my problems. He listened for a while and then asked me how good of an employee, boyfriend, and renter I had been. At first, I was insulted, but then he told me to carefully write about each problem focusing only on my part. Well . . . that certainly opened my eyes.

After many thorough inventories, what I’ve found is that all my problems start with me. And I’ve come to see that the reason my solutions make them worse is that they are driven by the same selfishness or self-centered fear that caused them to begin with. Today, the only solutions that work start by acknowledging where I’ve been at fault, and end with a sincere desire and offer to make amends. Because of this, I have solutions that make my life better.

October 3

Quote of the Week

"Take the mess to your sponsor, take the message to the meeting."

A friend in recovery shared something once that I’ve never forgotten. He was newly married and struggling with the transition from living alone for many years as a bachelor. His therapist suggested that rather than trying to process his uncomfortable emotions with his new bride, he should, instead, bring his problems into therapy, and then bring the solutions back to the relationship. I thought that was just brilliant advice.

And it was definitely not how I was used to living my life. Before recovery, if I had a problem (and I had many), everyone heard about them. I would bemoan the state of my life to anyone within earshot, and if you were the cause of my stress, I talked endlessly behind your back. My ultimate solution was to get drunk, but when I came to, none of these problems had gone away. Instead, I often had just made them worse. I needed a better solution.

When I entered the rooms, I thought I had found one. In each meeting I went to, I began sharing how bad my life was, how it was everyone else’s fault, and how the Twelve Steps probably wouldn’t help me. My new sponsor pulled me aside early on and suggested I share this mess with him, one on one, and then bring any solutions I found back to the meetings. That worked much better. Today, I go to meetings and listen to other people’s solutions to the problems I may be struggling with. I always hear them if I’m willing to listen.