Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2021
 

January 4

Quote of the Week

"If nothing changes, nothing changes."

In early recovery I heard someone say that, “If you get a horse thief sober, all you have is a sober horse thief.” I learned that the Twelve Step program is a program of recovery because it is a program of change. Just getting sober isn’t enough. I have known many people who came into the program and stopped drinking but either delayed or didn’t work the Steps. They soon found that they still had all the old problems, feelings, and circumstances they had while drinking. Besides not drinking, not much else had changed.

“The same man will drink again.” This was another saying I heard when I was new, and it reveals yet another danger of not working the Steps and of not changing. Driven and haunted by the pain of the old self, it is a short distance to the temporary relief and old solution of drinking. Once again, if nothing changes (besides not picking up a drink), nothing changes, and the same man will soon drink again.

“The only thing we have to change is everything.” The miracle of the program comes as we work the Steps, abandon our old ideas, and discard our old self. The Big Book tells us that we become reborn as a result of working the Steps, and it is this new self that is capable of living a new life that is happy, joyous, and free. The good news is that this total change is much easier than it sounds, and it is a natural result of working the program. And ultimately, everything changes as we change.

January 11

Quote of the Week

"People who try to figure it out, go back out."

I like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy. When I was new to the program, I kept trying to figure out how the program worked and why my sponsor wanted me to do certain things. For example, when he told me to put the chairs away after a meeting or pick up cigarette butts, I was offended. I’d ask, “What’s that got to do with me getting sober?” His response was, “Are you willing to do what we do around here to stay sober?” I was, and so I took his suggestions.

There are a lot of other pretty smart people who come into the program, and when given the same direction they balk and need to first figure out how it all works. They constantly ask questions, and when I give them the simple answers as to why it has worked for me and countless others, they just keep asking. Their resistance to follow direction, and unwillingness to do the work, hides an ego that hasn’t surrendered yet. Unfortunately, this insistence on figuring it out often leads them to go back out.

Fortunately for me, I had hit a bottom that made me desperate and so allowed me to be completely willing and open to suggestions. I surrendered to the group of drunks (G.O.D.) because they could do something I couldn’t—stay sober and improve their lives. As my sponsor once told me, “Your best thinking got you into the rooms, so stop trying to figure it out and just follow direction.” I did, and my life got better. And thankfully, over twelve years later, I haven’t found it necessary to go back out.

January 18

Quote of the Week

"If you think you want a drink, just roll the tape to the end."

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It is the only disease that constantly tells me I don’t have a disease. That’s why sometimes, and without warning, I’ll find myself nursing the idea that a drink might be a good idea—a nice cold beer at a barbeque, a glass of red wine at dinner, a colorful cocktail at a chic bar. If I just think about the drink, I could be thinking myself into big trouble. . . .

At the meetings I attend there are recovery slogans on the wall. “One day at a time,” “Live and let live,” and such. There is also a slogan that is hung upside down. It is “Think, Think, Think.” When I asked my sponsor why it was upside down, he said it was to remind me that the problems of the alcoholic are centered in the mind. He said there would be times when I would have no mental defense against taking that first drink. He said that maintaining my spiritual condition, staying close to the program, and reaching out to others in the fellowship would be key in situations like this.

Other times, however, when I am able to think past the drink, I try to roll the tape to the consequences of where that first drink will lead me. Once I reach the inevitable end, I recoil as if from a hot flame. The illusion of fun and easy times is replaced by the hopelessness and incomprehensible demoralization I’ve experienced before, and that I know will come again from picking up that drink. Today, I try to think my way to the inevitable, miserable end and so save myself and others from the hurt and suffering that alcohol has always caused me.

January 25

Quote of the Week

"We must learn from the mistakes of others because we won’t live long enough to make them all ourselves."

I used to be very judgmental. I especially liked pointing out other people’s mistakes and making fun of how stupid they could be. When I made a mistake, I was quick to blame circumstances or others, and rarely did I take responsibility or admit that perhaps I was to blame. After years of avoiding or evading the consequences of my mistakes, they finally caught up with me and I had to surrender.

When I entered recovery, I was still in denial about my behavior, and each time I heard someone share I would think, I wasn’t that bad, and They sure need to be here. My sponsor reminded me to listen for the similarities, not the differences, and soon I began to identify not with their actions but with their feelings. Once I identified with their feelings, I learned the powerful word “yet.” I hadn’t made those mistakes yet, but if I had continued drinking and using, I probably would have.

Over the years, I’ve learned to listen to and benefit from other people’s experience. Now when I hear of the mistakes others have made, I’m quick to see how I’ve done something similar, or how I could have easily made the same mistake given similar circumstances. Today, I’m grateful for the mistakes I’ve made and for what they have taught me, and I’m even more grateful for the mistakes of others. You see, I understand that we must learn from the mistakes of others because we won’t live long enough to make them all ourselves.

February 1

Quote of the Week

"You have to feel to heal."

I learned to hide from my feelings at a young age. Raised in an abusive, alcoholic home, I checked out early in front of the TV set. In my teenage years, I discovered alcohol and used that to keep uncomfortable feelings away. Over the years, I used other things—relationships, food, shopping, and so on—to avoid feeling. Unable to escape them, and without the tools to deal with them, my feelings became overwhelming and threatened to engulf and destroy me.

When I entered recovery and stopped drinking, my feelings descended on me, and I sometimes thought I was losing my mind. I can still hear my sponsor tell me, “Feelings aren’t facts—they are just feelings.” While that may have been true, it was also true that my feelings were still there, and they were really uncomfortable. The solution to dealing with them, I learned, was to ask my Higher Power to help me sit with my feelings, and to listen to what they were trying to tell me. It wasn’t easy at first.

Through inventory, though, and sharing with others, and listening to my Higher Power, I have learned to respect rather than run from my feelings. Today, my feelings are like little guides that lead me into the depths of who I really am, and I am no longer afraid to go there because I know that at my core I am a child of God. Today, I know that the key to healing in a profound and sacred way is to honor my feelings and truly hear what they are trying to teach me.

February 8

Quote of the Week

"The good part of recovery is that you get your feelings back; the bad part is that you get your feelings back."

Ah, the paradox of recovery—one of many. When I was out there, I had an easy way of dealing with my feelings: I’d numb them with alcohol. Unable to feel or even acknowledge my feelings, I drifted through the complexities of relationships and situations, neither growing nor evolving. In fact, I’ve heard it said that we come into the program emotionally frozen at the age we started drinking and using.

So here I was, a thirty-seven-year-old man with the emotional maturity of a seventeen-year-old. And here came a bewildering onslaught of feelings. Shame, hurt, fear, rage, regret, resentments—the range, depth, and color of my feelings were overwhelming. At first, I didn’t think I would survive, but I followed my sponsor’s direction and kept coming to meetings, and I stayed sober.

Over time, I learned that my feelings were not going to kill me. I learned that, although sometimes painful and unwanted, all my feelings were valid, and each had something valuable to teach me. Through working the Steps, I developed tools to process my emotions and soon learned to give them the space and respect they deserved. Today, my feelings are teachers, and all teachers are welcome.

February 15

Quote of the Week

"You are exactly where God wants you to be."

When I was new to the program, I used to complain to my sponsor about where I was in my life. I told him I couldn’t believe I was in my late thirties and my life was such a mess. I was unemployed, and more importantly, I was unemployable. I had no savings and was borrowing money to pay my expenses. I had never been married and hadn’t had a serious relationship in years. My family didn’t want to have anything to do with me, and I had few friends left. I was at the bottom of my life.

And that’s when he looked at me and said, “You are exactly where God wants you to be.” How can that possibly be? I thought. What kind of a deranged God would want me to be so miserable, so desperate? My sponsor told me that I had finally reached a place where I had fully surrendered, and it was only here that God could reach me and begin the miracle that would transform my life.

While I understood what my sponsor meant, my ego continued to struggle against where I was and where I thought I should be. As I slowly pieced my life back together, I still resented that I had to take an entry-level job, or wait a year before getting into a relationship, or sweep floors after meetings. But after a while, the wisdom of these baby steps revealed themselves. By starting over, and doing things the right way—selflessly, fully present, and grateful for the opportunities—I began to appreciate and cherish the new life I had a second chance at building. Even today, when I get anxious or impatient, I remember that I am exactly where God wants me to be.

February 22

Quote of the Week

"Around A.A. or in A.A.?"

When I slinked into A.A., I arrived just as meetings were starting, and I sat in the back of the room, near the door. When they ended, I made my escape before the final prayers and was driving out of the parking lot as the first smokers arrived at the edge of the sidewalks. I didn’t call any of the phone numbers people had managed to pass to me during my brief attendance, and I was horrified at the thought of fellowship. After a few weeks of being around A.A. in this way, I found myself drunk on my couch on a Monday afternoon.

When I sneaked back in after a particularly demoralizing couple of weeks, someone cornered me as I was once again making my escape and declared himself my sponsor. He offered to drive back to my house to help me “clean up” the place, meaning to pour all my liquor out and flush my drugs down the toilet. I declined. He got a promise from me to call him the next morning, and to meet him at a meeting that night, and to not drink or use in between. I thought he was pretty demanding, but I didn’t have any better ideas, so I agreed.

Over the next several months, my sponsor taught me how to be in A.A. He suggested we meet an hour before meetings to read the Big Book together. He then suggested I get three to four commitments at various meetings I attended during the week. Once we got to a meeting, he taught me to sit in the front row with him so that we wouldn’t be distracted. Afterward, we either thanked the speaker or reached out our hands to a newcomer. Today, I know there is a big difference between around A.A. and in A.A.

March 1

Quote of the Week

"A.A. spoils your drinking."

When I was drinking, I didn’t know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous. I had vaguely heard of it, but my image was of old men in trench coats smoking cigarettes and drinking lots of coffee. I had never heard of the Twelve Steps, and when I saw car stickers with the triangle in the circle, I had no idea that it referenced the A.A. program. I didn’t even know my best friend had gotten sober until I needed help. Thank God he and the A.A. program were there for me.

When I left the life of drinking, I entered a whole new world. There were meeting rooms, slogans on the walls, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, and lots of happy, sober people who had a solution. I began learning a new way of life, but at ninety days I wasn’t ready for it. I went back out and drank. But the A.A. program had already begun to work because suddenly my drinking wasn’t the same.

I experienced what I’d heard in meetings: A head full of A.A. and a belly full of alcohol don’t mix. I had become aware of the disease—the physical allergy of the body coupled with the obsession of the mind. I had also become aware of the solution—the loving help of a Higher Power and the freedom from bondage the Twelve Steps offered. I kept going to meetings, and finally my sobriety took hold and I stopped drinking for good. Today, I’m glad that the A.A. message spoiled my drinking, because if it hadn’t, I may not be here.

March 8

Quote of the Week

"If you don’t go within, you go without."

Legend has it that the deepest wisdom was once freely available to man, but he ignored it. The Gods, growing tired of this, decided to hide this wisdom so that only those determined to use it would search for it and find it. They considered hiding it on the tallest mountain, then underneath the deepest sea, and even burying it in the earth, but they decided that man would eventually stumble upon it. Finally, they decided on the perfect place, inside man himself, a place he would never think to look.

This certainly describes me before recovery. I was constantly searching outside of myself for the answers to my life. I was convinced the right job, the right relationship, or more money would fill the hole I had inside me. Eventually I turned to drugs and alcohol, thinking the temporary relief I got would work, but it never did. In the end, I didn’t know where to look anymore, and once alcohol stopped working, I entered recovery.

I remember the first time I heard this quote: “If you don’t go within, you go without.” My sponsor explained that it meant not only were all the answers inside of me, but that if I didn’t go inside for them, then I would keep searching outside of myself and would continue to go without the solutions. It has taken years for me to consistently search within—the Gods did find the perfect hiding place! Each time I go within, however, the wisdom is there waiting for me. Now I know what they mean in the program when they say, “It’s an inside job."

March 15

Quote of the Week

"When you are in fear you should remember to T.R.U.S.T.: Try Really Using Step Three."

When I first heard this quote, a great release and calm came over me. I was at a meeting, anxious and afraid, and all at once I let go of the fear, dread, and self-pity I had been carrying. In an instant, I shifted from my will to God’s will, and the peace and comfort I felt reminded me, yet again, that it works when I become willing (or desperate enough) to work it.

There is so much power and wisdom in Step Three. It first reminds me that the peace and serenity I get from turning my will and life over to God are just a decision away. I always have the choice of either staying in fear or surrendering my will to the care of my Higher Power. And although I’m often reluctant to let go of control, when I remember I am turning my will and life over to the “care” of God, the decision becomes easier.

After years of working this Step, I have come to trust that God’s will for me is always better than anything I can think of for myself. It’s hard to remember this sometimes, as I still get wrapped up in self-centered fear and try to control life to suit myself. But I do have a way out; my experience is that, when I use the Third Step, relief and release always come. Today, my way out of fear is to T.R.U.S.T.

March 22

Quote of the Week

"I can’t, God can, let Him."

I remember how unmanageable my life used to be. The more uncontrollable it became, the more I tried to control it. The weird thing was, this only made it worse. I felt like that Dutch kid who sticks his finger in the dike to plug up the hole, but when he does, two more sprout up. As I tried to control the ongoing deluge, I finally became overwhelmed and gave up. Peering up from a very deep bottom, I could barely make out a pinprick of light—and that light was Alcoholics Anonymous.

When I entered the program, I thought that—besides not drinking—I would be taught how to manage and control my life better. Instead, I was told the craziest thing: I was told to “let go and let God.” That sounded way too esoteric to work in my case. I mean, God wasn’t going to fix my career, pay my rent, and repair all the damage I had caused. “That’s right,” my sponsor said. “Your job will be to take the action. The results, however, you will leave up to God.” That seemed even crazier, but I was willing to learn to try.

I’m a slow learner, so I only let go a little bit at first. But each time I did, things got better. And what was truly miraculous was that when I completely trusted God and let go of the results, things turned out better than I could have imagined. My sponsor taught me that by doing this I was working the first Three Steps in the program, and he recommended I try it not only on my problems but in my life as well. He said the shortcut to remembering Steps One through Three was to simply say, “I can’t, God can, let Him.” And I’ve found that it works when I’m willing to work it.

March 29

Quote of the Week

"The minute I take control, that’s when I lose control."

I used to try all the time to control my drinking and using. I’d give myself a limit as to how many drinks I would have; I’d practice drinking a glass of water between cocktails; I would use only on the weekend (that didn’t work because soon Friday and then Thursday became part of the weekend), and on and on. What I found was that as soon as I tried to control it, I lost control.

When I entered recovery, I learned about the concept of powerlessness. Even though I had countless examples of how I was powerless over drugs and alcohol, I secretly hoped that one day I would be able to control and enjoy them. After countless inventories and Step work, I learned that I lost that dubious luxury long ago. Whenever I tried to control my drinking, I didn’t enjoy it, and when I enjoyed it, I couldn’t control it.

Just as I was coming to accept my powerlessness over alcohol, I faced an even more daunting idea—that I was powerless over just about everything else in my life as well. The way I’ve come to accept this is to take responsibility for the things I can control (my thoughts and my actions) and to leave the results up to God. This always works, when I remember to work it. And the minute I don’t, the minute I try to take control of the outcome, that’s the minute I lose control once again.

April 5

Quote of the Week

"R&R stands for rest and relaxation, not rehearse and rehash!"

If only my mind would leave me alone, I often think. I have what I call a digging mind. Like a dog at the beach, it digs and digs and digs in a problem, a worry, or in some other imagined potential problem area or scenario, often without my approval or even awareness. It loves to uncover negative thoughts, feelings, and fears, and then rehearse ugly scenarios or rehash old problems. In the past, the only way of quieting my mind was to drink.

My digging mind is not only relentless, but it is consistently negative as well. When I got sober, I rarely found it digging in a positive or hopeful place. During early recovery, it wasn’t dwelling on how great my life would turn out, or how all the damage I had done would get straightened out. Instead, I learned that I was driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear, and I watched as it searched and dug away at the beaches of disappointment, past regrets, and failure.

Thank God I was given tools to rein in my mind, and things to do that kept me focused on the positive aspects of recovery. I learned to take my mind off myself by helping others. I started dealing with my resentments of the past by doing inventories and looking at my part. And I found relief by clearing away the wreckage of my past and making amends. Today, I know how to give myself a break, and when my mind starts digging I direct it to uncover God’s will for me. Today, I’ve learned how to truly rest and relax.

April 12

Quote of the Week

"The people who are the angriest are the people who are the most afraid."

It took me a long time to make the connection between my anger and my fear. For years, I drowned my fear in alcohol and lived quite detached from my feelings. Any extended periods of abstinence usually left me feeling agitated, edgy, longing for, and needing a drink. I craved the instant calm and temporary sense of ease that my addiction provided me.

When I entered the program, I was unprepared for the shock of emotions that grabbed me and tried to pull me apart. Chief among these were my feelings of dread and fear, which manifested initially as anger, and then as rage. After I completed my Fourth Step fear inventory, I began to understand that the reason I was so angry was because I was full of a lifetime of unacknowledged fear.

One of the gifts of my recovery is that now I am quick to trace any discomfort, agitation, or anger back to a specific fear. If I am complaining about a line being too long or someone driving too slowly, or if I’m angry at my boss or spouse, I stop and ask myself what is making me afraid. When the answer comes, as it always does, I use the tools I have developed in the program to deal with it. Today, I have empathy for people who are angry because I know they are just people who are in fear of something.

April 19

Quote of the Week

"Pain transformed by the Twelve Steps is no longer pain transmitted."

When I came into the program I carried a lot of pain with me. There was the pain from living daily in an abusive alcoholic household, then the pain from an oppressive and emotionally abusive stepfather, and then years of self-inflicted drug and alcohol abuse. The pain I had was palpable, and every relationship I had felt the impact of my pain. I was passive-aggressive at work, jealous and tyrannical in relationships, and toward myself I was self-destructive and self-loathing.

When I was introduced to the Twelve Steps, the Step I feared the most was Step Four. To me, doing a Fourth Step was like climbing down a ladder into myself, into a pit of pain, shame, and fear that I was sure was going to swallow me up. I couldn’t imagine that there was another side to that darkness, and it took months for me to complete that fearless and thorough inventory. Once through Step Five, however, I began to see a new light in my life, and I began to sense the freedom I had heard others talk about in the program.

Through working the rest of the Twelve Steps, I was able to shine the light of a healing and loving Higher Power on the pain and secrets that fueled my character defects. As I made amends, my connection to others, to God, and to myself was restored. As the promises came true for me, I realized that the Steps had transformed not only my pain but my whole life. For the first time ever, I was able to live comfortably in my own skin, and today, what I have to transmit is experience, strength, and hope.

April 26

Quote of the Week

"When you own your part, you own your power."

When I was new to the program, I dreaded doing my Fourth Step inventory. What possible good could it do me to list all my resentments? I wondered. When my sponsor told me there was an invisible category called “my part,” I was sure this was going to be a useless exercise. I mean, I didn’t have a part in choosing my parents or my siblings, or in what happened to me at school, and on and on. Just thinking about it made me resentful!

After months of painful and exhaustive writing, I finally finished the first draft of my inventory. I remember reading it to my sponsor during the Fifth Step and becoming more and more irritated each time he asked me about my part. “But I’m talking about what he, she, or it did to me,” I complained. “Yes, but yours is the only part you can change,” he said. And that’s when I began to understand.

I had spent a lifetime blaming other people, places, and things for the misery in my life, and all that did was make me a perpetual victim. Once I learned to focus on my part, however, I began to see the role my own behavior played in the destructive patterns in my life. And that’s when I discovered I had the power to change them. And this is what finally set me free. You see, I learned that when you own your part, you own your power.

May 3

Quote of the Week

"God can’t give you anything new until you let go of the old."

Oh, how I love to hang on to what I think I know. I came into the program filled with opinions, ideas, resentments, attitudes, beliefs, and more. Many of them were literally killing me, yet I fiercely defended them and resisted letting them go. When other people tried to reason with me, I was obstinate and defensive. Luckily, I was also desperate and had hit a bottom, and because of this I was willing to try something new.

That willingness was the crack in my personality through which God’s energy and grace entered. I learned that with willingness comes the ability to surrender. And so, one by one, I began peeling back the layers of the onion that were my old ideas. As I uncovered, discovered, and discarded them, God gave me new ways of looking at, thinking about, and acting in my life. Slowly, a new man was being born.

What I have found over the years is that letting go is a constant, ongoing process. Each new relationship, job, situation, or season brings me face-to-face with some old ideas or opinions that I’ve not yet examined. When I become stuck or unhappy these days, I now know to pray for the willingness to be open, so that God can give me something new. Today, I’m not as resistant to letting go, because I know that God always has something better for me.

May 10

Quote of the Week

"Anger and resentment are masks for fear."

When I came into the program, I was pretty angry. With the alcohol gone, I very quickly got in touch with my feelings, and for me that meant my anger quickly turned into rage. Oh, and resentments—I had a lot of those as well. Without having developed the spiritual tools to deal with my feelings yet, I soon became defiant. You could say I wasn’t very fun to be around.

As I began working my way through the program, I learned in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book that we are driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear. After doing a thorough Fourth Step that included a fear inventory, I found I was driven by way more than just a hundred! It took years, though, for me to realize the connection between my fears and the anger and resentment I felt.

Today, I not only see the connection, but I feel it all the time. In fact, today I know that whenever I’m feeling uncomfortable, impatient, quick to snap at people, or just generally irritable, I’m usually in fear of something. The good news is that now I have a solution. Today, when I’m feeling angry or resentful, I stop and ask myself what I’m afraid of. Doing this allows me to take the mask off my fears and allows my Higher Power to present a solution.

May 17

Quote of the Week

"When I am in my head, I am with the last person I got drunk with."

When I hear this quote, I remember that my best thinking can’t get me sober—that by myself, my solutions to my problems are still self-serving and often driven by fear. Before recovery, this inner voice drove me, and just as long as I followed its advice, for that long I was going to remain selfish, alone, and drunk. It wasn’t until I surrendered my thinking and let someone else inside that I began to recover.

When I was new to sobriety, I was desperately afraid of telling people what was really going on in my head. If others knew what craziness brewed in there—what resentment, hatred, and despair went through my mind—I was sure they would ban me from the rooms. But they didn’t. When I finally began to reveal myself, something miraculous happened. I was accepted, along with all my crazy thoughts and faults, and I was shown the way to freedom from bondage of self. That path, I learned, was to let others in.

I was taught right from the beginning that this was a “we” program, and for me to recover I needed to find someone to whom I could tell the truth. By letting others know what was really going on inside my head and by surrendering my thoughts and actions to God, I began to change. By growing in this way, I began feeling a part of the fellowship and a part of life. Today, I try to stay out of my head, because when I’m alone with myself, I know that I’m with the last person I got drunk with—and I know where that can lead.

May 24

Quote of the Week

"For every nut in the program, there is a bolt."

When I first entered the rooms of recovery, I was a little taken aback by some of the strange characters whom I heard share. Some had been to prison, some had lived on the streets, some had been prostitutes, some were ex-gangsters, and some were still pretty crazy. “These people have nothing in common with me,” I told my sponsor. “How are they going to help me get sober?”

“Some of these people may not be able to help you directly,” he said. “But the fact that they can get this thing and stay sober shows that you can, too.” I saw his point. “Besides that,” he continued, “even if they don’t have the exact experience you’ve had, there will be someone else who will. No matter what’s going on with you, there will always be somebody who has the experience, strength, and hope you will need.”

Over the years, I’ve found this to be so true. One of the things I’ve learned to count on is that there is always someone who can help me regardless of what I’ve been or am going through. This has taught me the value of everyone in the program, not just those whom I can identify with. Now I know that there is a bolt for every nut in the program—even me!

May 31

Quote of the Week

"The worst bottom can become the greatest beginning."

A woman once shared in a meeting that she used to keep a breathalyzer in her house to help her control her drinking. One day she started drinking too early, lost track of time, and her husband caught her using it. She was upset the dogs hadn’t given her a warning he was coming. The husband, naturally, was aghast and it seemed like the end of her marriage and family. Instead, it led to her recovery.

I’ve heard people describe all kinds of bottoms. Some have shared that they came out of a black out in jail, scared and confused, and not knowing if they had killed anyone while driving drunk. I’ve known others who lost their businesses, their families, and even their freedom. Bottoms come with demoralization, shame, embarrassment, and bewilderment. All these situations seem like the end of the world, and they are.

But the world that ends is a dark one, one that was ultimately unsustainable and led to ruin. The new world that recovery brings is one where hope, love, and faith are restored. Through the Twelve Step program, a God of our own understanding performs the miracle of transformation in our lives. He turns what seems to have been the worst day into the greatest, and so begins our new life. No matter how dark your life seems right now, take our advice: “Don’t leave before the miracle.”

June 7

Quote of the Week

"Going to meetings is like taking aspirin before a headache."

I was reminded of how true this saying is just the other day. I had been really sick for a week—I mean in-bed sick. As such, I hadn’t been to a meeting all week. This is unheard of for me, as three meetings a week is my usual minimum, while four to five is more common. So there I was at my local Rite-Aid pharmacy, staring down at the cough syrups, when all of the sudden I saw one that said “Alcohol-free.” So that’s the one I automatically chose, right? Not at all!

You see, because I hadn’t been to a meeting in a week, my keen alcoholic mind was thinking again. And without my conscious permission, it was arguing with me as to why the nonalcoholic version obviously couldn’t be as good as the one with alcohol. In a flash it had me convinced that it must be the watered-down version, and that it didn’t have as much of the active ingredients in it. And without the alcohol, I wouldn’t even get the rest I so desperately needed to get better. I was sold. . . .

As my hand reached down to get the “right cough syrup,” a tiny, faraway, twelve-year-sober voice whispered, “That might not be such a good idea.” I almost didn’t hear it, but its truth was powerful. I snapped out of it, and in a moment of clarity I grabbed the alcohol-free one and quickly got out of there. Now I’m pretty sure that if I had been to my regular meetings that week, the choice would have been much easier. It just goes to show that if you don’t want a (major!) headache, then keep taking your aspirin regularly.

June 14

Quote of the Week

"I’ll never be all right until it’s all right now."

I’ve always lived waiting for some future time or event to make me happy. “When I meet ‘her,’ then I’ll be happy.” “As soon as I make enough money, then I’ll be all right.” “When I finally pay off my house, then I’ll feel secure.” Happiness, security, and feeling all right were always tied to something I didn’t have right now, and that meant that in the present I was always irritable, restless, or discontented. No wonder I drank all the time.

In recovery, I learned a whole new way to live, and I was given tools to help me be present. “One day at a time” was a huge help as I despaired at remaining sober forever. When I started worrying about not having enough money or health or companionship next month or next year, my sponsor would ask me if I had everything I needed right now. As we went through it, I admitted I had a roof over my head, money in my pocket, food to eat, and a whole fellowship for support. These and other tools helped me to stay present and appreciate that, right now, I was all right.

I once read a saying by Pascal that really resonated with me: “All man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone.” And that’s when I finally understood it all. Being able to be comfortable in my own skin, regardless of what’s going on, is the path to the happiness, security, and contentment I always sought in some future event. The miracle is that this feeling is available to me right now, right here. In fact, I already have it. Through working the Steps, I have discovered how to be all right, right now.

June 21

Quote of the Week

"I cannot think myself into good living, but I can live myself into good thinking."

I like to make lists of things I want to and should do. Toward the end of my drinking, in late September, I was drinking way too much, so I made a list of the five times left that year I would drink. These were Halloween, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. My thinking was that I would remain sober in between. I made this list in a bar, and I felt so good about it that I ordered another pitcher of beer for myself. The next day, a Monday, I was drinking by noon. But that day wasn’t on the list!

When I got sober, I had a lot of plans and I made many more lists. I made a “join a gym and get healthy” list. I made lists on getting a job, getting a girlfriend, and many others. While I was thinking how good my life would be once I did these things, what was missing was taking any action. Thankfully, working the Steps with my sponsor taught me a whole new way to live my life. What I learned was that regardless of what I think or feel, taking action first would always lead me to feeling and thinking better. I found that A.A. was a program of action, not thinking.

This lesson has been crucial not only to my recovery but my happiness in life in general. I have learned that actions always proceed feelings and thinking, not the other way around. It’s like the gym. I rarely feel like putting in the action and going, but once I’m done with my workout, my thinking has completely changed, and I’m glad I did. It is the same with recovery. While I usually don’t feel like working a Step or helping out at a meeting or extending myself to help another, once I take the action, my thinking and life improve.

June 28

Quote of the Week

"Behaviors are like tennis rackets; if yours is broken, get a new one."

A woman at a meeting shared that behaviors are like tennis rackets. While a tennis racket works for a while—years, even—eventually the strings wear out, the grip comes apart, and after a while you have to get a new one. She said that for years she was using rackets of behavior long after they had stopped working. It was only after she “got a new racket” that her life improved.

When I was new to recovery, I had a lot of old, worn-out behaviors, too. What I didn’t realize was that the reason my life wasn’t working was that I kept trying to use these—isolating instead of joining in, being selfish instead of giving, and so on—to achieve different results. When I spoke with my sponsor about it, he told me that unless I worked the Steps and changed the way I thought and acted, the results in my life would stay the same.

Today, I’m much better at recognizing my old rackets of behaviors and thankfully, I’m more willing to try something different. Today, when areas of my life aren’t working, I know to look at my behavior, talk to someone in the program, and pray for guidance. Today, when my old behavior isn’t working, I’m quick to adopt a new one. I know that I can’t win in the game of life if I continue playing with an old racket.

July 5

Quote of the Week

"Those who leave everything in God’s hands, will eventually see God’s hand in everything."

I was many years sober when I first heard this quote. It reminded me of how I had turned my recovery over to God, and how everything had worked out. I got through my Fourth Step—when I thought it was going to tear me apart—and God helped me make all those terrifying amends as well. I can now see God’s hand in every part of my recovery, but what about the rest of my life?

Lately, I’ve been back in a lot of financial fear. I’ve been worrying about my work and stressing about the future, and the old thoughts of, What is going to become of me? have crept back in. The difference between this and recovery is that I’ve kept God out of it lately, thinking instead that I have to handle this part of my life by myself. This has made my life unmanageable again.

Last week, I hit an emotional bottom. My wife finally sat me down and said, “Enough is enough.” I knew it was time to surrender. When I did, a wave of relief washed over me, and I have been free of fear since I left it all in God’s hands. I was given the perspective to see that He has been handling my financial future all along, and that I’m a lot better off than I think I am. Once again, I see God’s hands in everything, and—as long as I leave things there—I’ll be just fine.

July 12

Quote of the Week

"Our neighbor’s window looks much cleaner if we first wash our own."

Now that it’s hot again, I’ve begun sleeping with the windows open to let in some of the cooler evening air. My neighbor must have the same idea because her window is open as well, and the sound of her TV carries in the still summer air, sometimes making it hard to go to sleep. Even though she’s eighty-two years old and probably hard of hearing, and is the perfect neighbor otherwise, I easily become indignant and start with the “How dare she!” ranting. How soon I tend to forget. . . .

For years while drinking, I carried on like a madman. I played my music as loud as I could stand it, late into the night, and often partied with friends and family on the patio next to my neighbor’s living room. I had no awareness or concern for anyone but myself, and through it all, my neighbor remained calm and respectful and never said a word. You’d think that now that I’m in recovery, I’d have more empathy and understanding, but that’s not always my first reaction.

What I’ve found is that I have little initial tolerance for behaviors I used to practice with abandon. As an ex-smoker, for example, I’m an antismoker now and am irritated and resentful if someone smokes within twenty feet of me. Through it all, I have learned to continually ask for understanding and tolerance from my Higher Power, and I’ve learned that it’s up to me to take the high road and set the example with my behavior. And I find that when I do, everything works out for the best. I find that my neighbor’s window looks much cleaner when I wash my own first.

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July 19

Quote of the Week

"If a drink solved problems, I would have solved a lot of problems."

I seriously used to think that drinking helped me manage my problems and my life better. When I got too stressed to think straight, a drink or two would immediately relax me and enable me to think differently. In my creative life, I always wrote or drew much better after a few drinks. And after a few more drinks, I sometimes had epiphanies that I were sure could change the world. Unfortunately, when I sobered up, my problems were still there, plus some additional ones caused by my drinking.

When my sponsor told me I wasn’t going to drink alcohol anymore—not even beer!—I was shocked. But how was I going to make it through all my problems and stress? I wondered. And what about all those deep creative insights? As we talked through things, he helped me see that those “creative moments” I had while loaded, those that I wrote down at least, made almost no sense when I sobered up. Also, after inventories centered on my drinking, it was clear that alcohol didn’t solve any of my problems.

It took many years of journaling, meetings, and Step work, but today I know that I am much more creative and disciplined now that I’m not drinking. Today, I don’t just think of things, I do them. I’ve also found that I handle my problems and stress so much better with a clear head and a Higher Power in my life. Plus, I create a lot less mayhem! Sobriety has given me the life that alcohol promised but never delivered. And that’s why I begin each day with gratitude.

July 26

Quote of the Week

"It’s a simple program for complicated people."

They say that this is a simple program, but that it’s very hard to follow. I heard this in the beginning of my recovery, but when I read the Twelve Steps I didn’t see why. In fact, the program seemed simple, and I confidently told my sponsor that I could get through the Steps in a couple of weeks. I can still see his smile as he told me, “Let’s take it one day at a time.” When I finally started, I saw what he meant.

How can such a simple program be so hard to work? I quickly began asking myself. What I found was that each Step asked me to do something I had never done before: uncover my beliefs, discover how I had twisted them to serve my own selfish ends, and then discard them for God’s will rather than my own. Simple, yes, but not easy to do!

Over the years, I’ve found that this program is much easier to work if and when I quit making it so complicated. And the way I do that is by still trying to force my will on things. I now know it’s much simpler when I evaluate my motives, seek truly to be of service, and ask for God’s will, not mine, to be done. This truly is the easier, softer way. Today, I understand when they say that this is a simple program for complicated people!

August 2

Quote of the Week

"If you want to be secure, you have to give up the need to be secure."

I have spent so much of my life stressing and worrying about being secure. I’ve never felt like I’ve had enough money, or will ever have enough. In relationships, my insecurity has ruined many promising starts. I’ve lain awake at night worrying about my health, ruminating on the “what ifs.” It’s no wonder I drank so much; it was one of the few ways I had to quiet my mind.

When drinking stopped working for me, I entered recovery. At first I thought I’d get immediate relief from my worry, but with alcohol gone, I just grew more insecure. I overwhelmed my sponsor with all my “what ifs,” and he always asked the same thing: “Are you all right, right now?” “Yes, but . . . ,” I’d begin. “Right now, God has led you into recovery and has taken care of everything for you, right?” I admitted that was true. “Then let go and let Him take care of you,” he suggested.

I never thought it could be that easy, and I still tend to forget it. Today, while I still may not have all the money I want, I have all I need—and then some. I have love, health, hope, and long-term recovery. As soon as I gave up the need to be secure, I realized I already was secure. Today, I realize that my wants are what keep me from appreciating my haves. And today, I have all the security I need.

August 9

Quote of the Week

"Improve your memory—tell the truth."

Toward the end of my drinking, my memory got worse and worse. To start with, my mind was a big blur from being constantly loaded, or from recovering from a blackout. In addition, it got harder and harder to remember what story or excuse I had recently made up or told to different people. Because my drinking had become the most important thing in my life, I had begun lying to protect it, and because most of the lies and stories I made up were followed by a drinking binge, I couldn’t keep anything straight. It’s no wonder people stopped hanging around me.

When I got sober and my head began to clear, I went right on lying and telling stories. As I worked the Steps, I realized that I was lying to protect my ego and get my own way. I quickly found the truth in the statement that “self-centeredness and self-seeking” was my natural state as an untreated alcoholic. It took a lot of inventories and conversations with my sponsor before I was ready to get honest. I also had to uncover, discover, and discard a lot of character defects that were keeping me sick before I could fully recover.

These days, my life is much easier now that my default is to just tell the truth. I no longer feel the need to defend or construct a big story because today I’ve learned how to be responsible and honest. Now I go through life looking for ways to be of service rather than to cheat or deceive. It’s a wonderful feeling being able to look someone in the eye again and feel a part of the human race. And best of all, my memory has improved because today, I tell the truth.

August 16

Quote of the Week

"Reality is always so much kinder than the story I tell myself about it."

When I was drinking and my life was unraveling, even worse than what was happening was the story I told myself about it. To start with, I thought most people hated me—almost as much as I hated myself—but I found out later they just felt bad for me and wished I would recover. I also thought I had ruined my career and would never be hired again. And as far as ever having a relationship, the story I painted proved that I would be alone forever. At the end of my drinking, the reality of my life seemed quite dark indeed.

When I entered recovery, I brought my dark stories with me. As I lay in bed at night, I was consumed with negative thoughts about the damage I had done, and I felt for sure I had done irreparable harm. I constantly obsessed about my health and worried I had cancer or some other horrible disease. I feared my financial wreckage and could feel the IRS and the banks closing in. When I shared these stories with my sponsor, he simply told me to look at my feet. “My feet?” I cried incredulously. He said, “Right here in today’s reality, are you okay?” I admitted I was. “Then if you stay in today and out of your head, one day at a time, you will be fine.”

It wasn’t always easy to stay in today, and I still struggle with it sometimes, but when I do I find the reality of my life is much different than the stories I tell myself about it. In reality, I not only have everything I need to be happy, joyous, and free, but I have more than I could ask for. Today, I have a God of my own understanding that continues to perform miracles in my life. I am surrounded by a caring fellowship that is loving and supportive. Today, I have the awareness to know that the reality of my life is much better than any story I can make up about it. And for this, I am eternally grateful.

August 23

Quote of the Week

"Happiness isn’t out there, it’s in here."

One glorious, sunny day, I was driving my big, beautiful, black Mercedes through Malibu canyon on my way to do some shopping at the high-end galleries on the Pacific Coast Highway. As the car snaked around the mountains, I caught glimpses of the shimmering, blue ocean. It was a Sunday morning, and I seemed to have it all: money, property, and prestige. I pulled over to an outlook and stood gazing at the incredible beauty around me, and I wondered why I felt so bad that I wanted to die. This was what my bottom felt like.

In recovery, I started to see life from a completely different point of view. When I read in the literature that character building and spiritual values had to come before trying to acquire and gain satisfaction from material things, I could really relate. It was hard, at first, to turn away from what I had been taught to pursue almost my entire life, but I had evidence that happiness and contentment definitely weren’t “out there.” And so I set to work the Twelve Steps.

It has been explained to me, over and over, that the Steps are written in the specific order that you should take or work them. And what I have found is that the foundation of the Steps is in developing a relationship with my Higher Power first. I now have vast experience that He can do for me what I can’t do for myself. And that includes giving me the feelings of serenity, peace, and purpose that I never got from outside things. Today, I strive to acquire greater knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. And when I do, I find that happiness has always been available to me—in here.

August 30

Quote of the Week

"We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once."

I tend to get overwhelmed by all the things I want to do. The perfect career, the best relationship, get into top physical shape, write a bestseller, and have time left to read, hike, vacation in Europe—the list is endless. When I was drinking and crashing toward my bottom, all these goals were like ripped pieces of a parachute trailing me from above. When I finally hit the ground, the scattered bits of my goals lay around me.

As I began working the program and developed some clarity, I began to pick those pieces back up. Suddenly, I wanted to do everything again—and even more! It didn’t take long for me to be overwhelmed again, and that’s when I had to surrender once more. As I discussed this with others and with my sponsor, I realized my number-one goal was to get through the Steps and establish a firm foundation in recovery. Everyone assured me there would be plenty of time for all the rest if I made sobriety my priority.

While it was hard to put other things on hold, I now see the wisdom in that advice. I realized I couldn’t do everything at once, but I could concentrate on the most important thing, my recovery, and I could take a definite action toward that at once. I made it a priority to go to meetings, to get commitments, and to work the Steps. By doing so, my life improved immeasurably. Today, when I once again get overwhelmed by my dreams, goals, and wants, I remember I can’t do them all. But I can pick the most important thing for today, and I can do something at once.

September 6

Quote of the Week

"When you’re going through hell, keep going!"

Hell often seemed like a destination rather than a passing part of the overall journey before I had a program. Whenever I found myself in an insufferable situation, I often convinced myself that this was my new lot in life and that it would never get better. Rather than try to figure ways out of it, I usually wallowed in self-pity and waited for things to get worse. And they usually did.

When I started working with my sponsor, I argued, debated, and tried hard to convince him that I was different, and that I could never recover. After listening to me for weeks, he asked if I was willing to try a different way. “But it won’t work,” I whined. “Are you at least willing to try?” he repeated. When I finally said yes, my life began to change.

The freedom and recovery I have found through working the Steps has shown me the way out of the hell I used to put myself through. Today, I look for solutions to situations that used to baffle me, and I have learned through experience that “this, too, shall pass.” Today, I ask my Higher Power for guidance and am shown the next indicated action. Doing so allows me to look for ways to move through times that seem unbearable. Today, I know that when I’m going through hell, it’s important that I keep going!

September 13

Quote of the Week

"I’ve never regretted something bad I didn’t say."

Restraint of pen and tongue was a foreign concept to me when I arrived in the rooms. Before recovery, I was quick to speak my mind, even when my mind wasn’t made up—it didn’t matter. I was quick to retaliate for perceived wrongs, quick to take your inventory when I was feeling less than, and quick to tear you down to make myself feel better. And if I had been drinking, the insults, judgments, and condemnations flowed even more. Afterward, regret was heavy, and the familiar feelings of shame would descend, forcing me to retreat into the bottle once again.

When I got sober, I heard the saying that feelings weren’t facts. As such, I was told that I didn’t have to act on every feeling I had. Instead, I could write about them, pray about them, and share them with other people. I could restrain from acting on them and wait until I had clear direction as to how to react. What I found was that nine times out of ten the feelings would pass, and I was glad I hadn’t acted on them. I was also relieved that I had less regrets because I hadn’t said hurtful things.

Now that I’m sober awhile I still have to be constantly vigilant about acting on or saying things that I might regret later. For instance, in my new neighborhood, a neighbor’s dog barks pretty much constantly, and I’m pretty annoyed. I’ve written an anonymous letter expressing how irritating it is, but I haven’t delivered it yet. As time passes I’ve been very relieved as I know I’ve avoided the guilt and shame that I would feel if the neighborhood discovered I was the letter writer. And besides, when I’m in my house, I don’t even hear the dog! Today, I really feel the truth in the words “I’ve never regretted something bad I didn’t say.”

September 20

Quote of the Week

"Don’t let your expectations exceed your acceptance."

Through recovery, I have discovered a wonderful way to avoid disappointment, anxiety, and resentment. I simply check my level of expectation about any upcoming—or current—event, interaction, or situation. Because I find that my expectations are invariably driven by my selfish needs or desires, and because situations or interactions rarely go the way I want them to, my solution is to monitor my expectations first and ask myself if I’m okay with whatever actually unfolds. If not, then that’s my problem.

Before recovery, I had neither the awareness nor the tools to access or deal with my often unconscious need to have things go my way. As such, my expectations—of myself and others—often exceeded not only how things went, but blew past my ability to accept things as they were. In fact, I had little to no acceptance at all. As such, I regularly had resentments, often formed negative opinions in advance, and was generally not pleasant to be around.

Today, thankfully, I have some tools. I know enough to recognize in advance that I am not in control of people, places, or things, and that the best thing I can do is focus on the part I can control—my level of acceptance. This is easier if I remember the saying “Everything happens in God’s time.” When I do, I find I can let go and relax. Developing the proper level of acceptance around all the situations in my life allows me to watch God’s will, and not mine, unfold. Today, I’m much happier because I don’t let my expectations exceed my acceptance.

September 27

Quote of the Week

"The reason the program works is because we’re not all crazy on the same day."

After I was in the program for a few years, I remember hearing some people sharing and thinking they were still clearly out of their minds. This scared me because I realized I relied on them to save my life. A week later, I remember sharing some of my own stuff and realized that I probably sounded kind of crazy as well. That’s when I heard this week’s quote.

This quote means many things to me. To start with, it reminds me I still have the disease of alcoholism, and that my thinking will always be affected by it. It also reminds me that in the rooms I have the freedom to be myself—whatever that happens to be that day. In fact, the saying “You can’t save your ass and your face at the same time” has literally saved my life on a number of occasions. It also reminds me, “The reason we’re all here is because we’re not all there.”

The hope and strength I take from these sayings is that alone I can’t, but together we can. Together we make up the mosaic that is recovery, and despite those times when I still feel a little crazy, I am comforted as I see the miracle still taking place in others’ lives. Somebody once said that he only needs one meeting a week but he went to five because he never knew which one it was going to be. Thank God the voice of recovery speaks through us all, one day at a time.

October 4

Quote of the Week

"You’re only as sick as your secrets."

When I first entered the program, I was filled with guilt and shame over some of the things I had done. When I sat in meetings and heard others share openly about some of their past behaviors, I was shocked by how honest they were. Even more baffling was how they and everyone else could actually laugh at their dark secrets. I didn’t know it then, but this was the beginning of hope and recovery for me.

“You’re only as sick as your secrets” was a saying I heard early on in the program. At first there were things I swore I would and could never reveal. After hundreds of meetings, though, the openness, forgiveness, and recovery of others created the safe place I needed to come clean. As I began to uncover, discover, and discard those parts of myself I was ashamed of, I experienced the freedom and forgiveness I needed to fully recover.

As I completed my Fourth and Ninth Steps and cleared away the wreckage of my past, I was reborn into a new man who is sober and recovered. Now I can laugh at myself, along with others, over some of the things I used to do. Moreover, I realize how the shame I felt about my dark past is the very key I need to help connect with and help heal others. Today, I use the Tenth Step to guard against keeping secrets, and to stay free of shame, so that I can be available to work with others.

October 11

Quote of the Week

"The program does for us slowly what alcohol did for us quickly."

I clearly remember what I felt like before recovery. I was anxious, on edge, and so uncomfortable with my life that I wanted and needed to escape from it. Each morning I awoke with the terror of a new day, and making it through that day was a real struggle. I can also remember the immediate sense of ease and comfort that came from that first drink. Suddenly everything was okay; I had a new plan, and there was some hope for the future.

Drinking and escaping like this were my solution for a long time, but it stopped working. I reached a point where I couldn’t imagine life with alcohol, and I couldn’t imagine my life without it either. I was at a jumping-off point. In the beginning of my recovery, meetings and fellowship offered me temporary relief from the near constant dread and anxiety I felt. The problem was how to survive between meetings, and it was very rough going for quite a while.

And that’s when I heard someone share, “We go to meetings for relief, but we work the steps for recovery.” And as I worked my program, I found this to be true. The relief and sense of ease and comfort I used to get from drinking began now to be part of my everyday experience. After a while, I actually had moments of peace and serenity, and much of the time I even felt comfortable in my own skin. One day I realized that the program had done for me slowly what alcohol used to do for me quickly.